It was dark when I stepped onto the brick pavement on my first day. All dark and gloomy, literally and metaphorically. I walked a few more steps to look for a small corner where I could rest till my friends arrived. It's still fresh in my mind how I felt at that moment. "Is this how my life will be for the next one and a half years? ". That feeling of negativity shrouded myself. I was just down and sad for no reason. It was as if I came to the wrong place. Dawn broke, my friends arrived, and excitement ensued but that was the beginning of a nightmare.
All throughout orientation week, I sat in between my school friend and a Korean boy. A group of Indian boys were sitting right in front of me. I used to wonder why were they sitting together when the hall was filled with hundreds of others. I thought they felt like an outcast being the minority there. But eventually, I found out that they were all given the same apartment units in the scholars' hostel. It struck me as a racist move by the college, but honestly, towards the end, I felt they were lucky.
I remember sitting at the back during orientation just listening and observing people. I felt like I was in alien world. I came from a traditional Malay school and here I was chucked into a host of people who only spoke their mother tongue. All I could hear was Chinese and Tamil with a few specks of English shared between the people sitting beside me. All my discussion at that time was with my school friend, as the alien world seemed too distant and different to me.
Honestly, I could explain why I felt that way at that time. Maybe because of the changed environment. In school, I mixed with people from various educational backgrounds and abilities but the here, everyone was smart. I didn't feel bad because of the competition ( because I cared nothing for it) but because of the changed mentality. These people were all just trying to head to Cambridge and Oxford but none were there to have small talks and crack real jokes. The mentality shift was a whole different thing. I honestly felt alienated. I went back home dejected, not only that day but many days after that as well.
First day in class was horrible. Suddenly, race and language was a huge dilemma for me. Most of my classmates were Chinese and there were 2 Indians and 2 Malays there. Honestly, I could have chosen to sit beside the Indian guy but then I didn't like the fact that we could be referred to as racists. So, I sat with a group of Chinese boys at the back of class. I probably regret my decision today. I didn't know things could get worse.
Things were just difficult. Everyone in class spoke in some Chinese dialect except the few of us who weren't Chinese. I felt like a outcast, an ignored piece of crap in class. Casual conversation, discussion on studies, instructions for classmates, planning of events and even jokes which made the entire class laugh except us, all in Chinese. After some time, I got sick of asking them what was happening. They didn't give a fucking shit about others in class. But the thing is, I won't blame them completely because they grew up in such an environment. They stuck to people of their own kind all the time, unlike my school friends who were of different races. It's was like they didn't care or didn't want to care about that one friend that could not understand them. Even though all my training friends were Chinese, I still wasn't treated this way by them.
My lecturers were a mixed bunch. A couple of them were the only reason I wanted to attend college, while another made me hate her class and subject. I used to feel left out in class all the time. Whenever I couldn't understand anything and at the same time my classmates couldn't, group discussions will be in Chinese. And I'll be left sitting at the corner like some idiot trying to be Einstein. And my classmates were just homework oriented. They did their homework at every opportunity they had. And I will just be there looking around to find even that tiny speck of happiness that was abundant in my high school.
Taylor's was just the worst place for an athlete like me. Besides the gym, there wasn't any other activities I could do. Nothing was outdoor. Everything was indoor and air conditioned to accommodate the rich and lame people filling up the corridors and classrooms there. There was nothing for me to do there besides studying and eating. That wasn't my life at all. I was filled with energy in school. I had so many things to do. I had the best and most fun people in the entire school as my friends. And here, nothing. It was just crap. Eventually, I reached my limits and depression ensued.
I used to come to college everyday and sit with my school friend, D, before classes began. He shared my feelings about the college because it was sucky for the both of us. We would sit in the learning hub every morning with the thick books in front of us while complaining about life. Occasionally, we went back down memory lane just to make us happy that we once went through that. And to remind ourselves how sad this place made us. It was the surrounding and the people. That place was filled with people I was not used to. And there was no one I could turn to either. Countdown to the number of weeks of college that we had left became a regular thing every morning. I was itching to get out of the college.
I hated college and couldn't cope with studies so much that I decided to just stay at home and study even when classes were still going on. I couldn't study in college, and traveling back and forth between college and home was time consuming. I knew I wasn't getting any better in college so I resorted to self study. Occasionally, I met up with my lecturers to clear any doubts. Other than that, there was not even a pinch of guilt in me for skipping classes. I felt happier at home.
Towards the end of my time there, I became close with a friend of mine. It all started with me advising her during her hard times based on her statuses in Facebook. She was a really fun person to hang around with and we laughed a lot. She reminded me of how happy I used to be in school. We hung out and did stupid things everywhere, making fun of people and laughing about the simplest things. Honestly, she was one of the few good things that happened to me in college. I even threw away my fears of being called a racist and mingled more with the Indian guys because they were so much more fun to be with than my classmates.
Another highlight of my college life was the Heart Rock Carnival in 2012. I wrote a blog post about it-one of the few I wrote after I joined this alien place- and I still remember it pretty well. But you know, when I think of it now, I realized that I was also alone that time as my other friends had gone back earlier. I was there, standing in front of the university placement centre, clutching my bag, and singing along to the local bands strutting their stuff downstairs - one of the many times I sang along to my own type of music in college, all alone.
Well, another thing I'll never forget about college is my lecturers, 2 of them in particular. My mathematics lecturer was honestly the best lecturer I had met in my life so far. His classes were probably the only reason I attended college during the "draught" period. And my further mathematics 1 lecturer, she was just nicely perfect. She was the most approachable lecturer I had and I honestly enjoyed her classes because of the way she taught and her sincerity during teaching.
Would I have taken a different path if I was given a chance to go back in time? No. The experience there was just bad with a few sprinkles of happiness but I know that there isn't a better place than that to prepare me for my life in university. Even then, I'll meet somewhat the same variety of people but I'm equipped to find my way around it now. But still, college life could have been so different had I met the right people earlier. It was too little too late in the end.....
P.S. The blogger is extremely happy to be back blogging after a hiatus due to busy schedules. And he is planning to keep on blogging after this. Hopefully
