Yeah, I definitely needed this break from the cold walks to class and pretty much every where else outside my dorm. Guys, winter is not fun. Coming from a hot and humid place like Malaysia, we Malaysians tend to think that the cold weather and snow will be the manifestation of our virtual utopia. But, once you start feeling the chilling winds brushing past your ears, you'll know why Winter sucks.
Anyway, I had a month off and had nothing planned out. And then, one day while having lunch in the dining hall, Jessica invited me over to her place in Long Island, New York for the break. I was ecstatic because I had never been to New York prior to that and I have always wanted to the the Times Square and the Statue of Liberty.
The drive was boring because there were pretty much just trees all around us. Oh yeah, talking about the drive. Yup, I got a free ride to NY because Jessica's boyfriend dropped by from Buffalo to pick her up and go to Long Island, and I got a free ride!
Nightfall was approaching when I finally saw some signs of the city. In the distance, I could see a few planes hovering around city. To me, it seemed like a few choppers were hovering around to shoot Godzilla or something. Jessica then told me that those planes are actually waiting to land in the world's busiest airport, The John F. Kennedy airport in New York City. That's crazy.
And finally, after a 5 hour drive, we reached Jessica's house. And, that was the start of my food fiesta. Jessica's parents own a Chinese restaurant, and they live above it. Usually, when Jessica visits them during the breaks, they cook awesome pawsome Malaysian food for her. This time, I was there for a share of it too. I mean, when you're starved of tasty food for months and then showered with amazing Malaysian food, you have to be in seventh heaven. It was so satisfying.
Well, the initial plan was for me to stay at their place until their family decides to go for a family trip. Jessica told me that I would be able to stay at her place for maybe a week or two. But the next day, Jessica had to move me to her uncle's place in Flushing because her relatives from Malaysia were visiting and there wasn't enough rooms at her place. And then, she told me that her family was planning to go for the trip in 2 days. Well, I had to leave New York so much sooner than expected. Yeah, it was kinda messed up, and I was a little disappointed, but I wasn't going to complain because Jessica was kind enough to invite me to her place in the first place. So, I immediately booked a ticket to Connecticut to visit my mum's friend the next day.
That night, Jessica and her boyfriend sent me to her uncle's place in Flushing. Again, I was showered with an awesome lunch before I left Jessica's place. Her mum also packed some sushi (yes, they also have sushi at the restaurant) for dinner. Food wise, I was extremely happy. Travelling wise, not so much. YET.
Jessica's uncle and I had a good conversation over dinner about Malaysia and especially about our hometown because we come from pretty much the same place. After we were done with the sushi, his uncle offered to take me to Flushing town.
Well, Flushing is as Chinese as a Chinatown can get in America. Even some of their road signs are in Chinese. You can get anything East Asian in Flushing. Malaysian food? There are 4 Malaysian restaurants (Sadly, because of my short stay, I couldn't try any of those). So, once we got down from the bus, he gave me his monthly pass and told me to go wherever I wanted to and get back to his place any time I wanted.
So, I just started a slow walk along the streets as Jessica's uncle went somewhere to join his group of friends. I was starting to become bored because there was pretty much nothing that I could do other than eat. And then, I found exactly what I was hoping to see. The Flushing subway station!
I went into the station and ran my fingers over the map. It took me a while but I eventually found the station that I was looking for. And, it was a direct train from Flushing. It was a sudden decision, a sudden burst of adrenaline, and sudden prompt in my head. It was time to do Jessica's uncles kindness some justice.
Well, he gave me his monthly pass for a reason. One tap/swipe/insertion (I can't recall) of the pass and I was on the way to the city that never sleeps. For the first time in my life, I was on a NY Subway, something that I had only seen on television prior to that ride. As the subway snaked it's way towards the city, I could make out the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building. I can clearly remember that of those buildings were lit in pink that night. A few minutes later, the automated voice announced "Times Square".
The subway station itself was filled with street performers and interested onlookers but I wasn't there that night for that. I found the right exit and made my way up the stairs. The moment I stepped outside, I knew I was there.
Lights, huge neon billboards on all four sides, throngs of excited people, gigantic buildings, police horses, street performers, half-naked santa claus despite the freezing temperature, guy asking for donation to buy weed, H&M tower, huge movie posters, Broadway shows, more lights, The Stairs where Spidey fought Electro and just the atmosphere. There was something to see, something happening at every corner I could see. So, this is it. Finally, I was there at the infamous New York Times Square.
I tried to soak in the atmosphere but it was just insane. There were a bazillion things happening there that night even though the temperature was 0 degree Celcius. I took tons of pictures of the different buildings. After sometime, I decided to put away my phone and just embrace the ambiance in the air.
While I was there, I got a call from Jessica. Oh yeah, Jessica was supposed to bring me to Times Square the next day before I left for Connecticut. Thank heavens I impulsively and intuitively decided to make the trip to Times Square that night. She called to tell me that she had to leave for Buffalo that night because she just received an email regarding her permanent status application. So, she was actually planning to pick me up from her uncle's place and take me to Times Square that night to make up for her busy schedule. Since I was already there, she joined me in Times Square.
After some New York pizza, we walked to Bryant Park. There was an open ice skating rink there but it was closed. Well, the whole place was closed off because it was kinda late into the night. But, that didn't stop us from sneaking in and getting some pics with the beautiful decoration. And then, Jessica said goodbye and I took the subway back to Flushing.
The next morning, before leaving Flushing, Jessica's uncle made me some delicious wan tan mee. That was my first wan tan mee in months and it kinda reminded me of home. Jessica's uncle's humble and caring nature reminded me so much of home.
Regrets? Well, I was disappointed that I missed out on Central Park and the Statue of Liberty. They were all just a few subway stations away, but I didn't have the time. But, I knew that I was definitely coming back some time in the future to see other parts of New York. Times Square was a great start to more adventures in the Big Apple. Now, it was time for a homely Connecticut adventure!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
It's Definitely A New Year This Time
Honestly, I can't remember when was the last time I wrote a blog post on a happy note. I tried scrolling and scrolling and couldn't find a single blog post which had a happy story. All I did was just write down what I thought about deep inside, but that was it, I was probably just sad and confused inside.
It has been quite a ride since I felt high school. All that emotional roller coaster throughout heartbreaks and changing environments and changing people left my emotions questioning myself. What am I even doing?
It's New Year' Eve. It's time to make a resolution for the year ahead. I'm just sitting there in the shady room reflecting about the year that passed. It was just, I don't know. All I see is my emotions being confused.
I definitely had quite a bit of fun as 19 year old teenager. I my wonderful friends accompany me throughout the 8 months I was away from studying. I played tons of sports and spent tons of energy on the track. I spent so much quality time with my family and especially Rusky. I lost my virginity. I came to college in America, the country of dreams. There are many other small events along the way that were really enjoyable.But when I sat down reflecting on the past year, all I saw was the negative emotions that concluded my year.
My high school crush and I got together for about a month. Somehow, it sparked only when we were thousands of miles apart. That was memorable. That one month, we told each other everything that we thought about each other. I can't believe I actually got the chance to tell her all my high school fantasies about her. Well, she eventually got really busy with college and thought it would be better to just call it off. It was a little devastating, but I lived with it.
I left home for the first time in my life, in the name of stepping foot on America. I missed home food a little. I missed the family moments a lot more, especially on the special occasions. I missed my dog like hell. I still tear a little from time to time when I think about him, but not as much as I used to.
I lost a friend I knew very well. I spent so much time with her during my time back home. I cared for her so much, I don't know why. But during the 4 months that I was here, she just changed into someone I didn't understand at all. Her med school work and boyfriend and what not just made her into something else. She said some really hurtful things. I usually forgive her, but she's still that unknown person. I didn't believe that meme I used to see on facebook on "not knowing the person whom you spent a lot of time with a few months back" would actually be true, until now.
One of the turning points that told me I need to change was during Christmas. My friend back home was hosting a Christmas party. All I wanted was to be on skype with them during the entire party. Well, we did skype for a while but I was expecting to be there on skype the entire way. They said it was inconvenient and I just gave a excuse that I needed to sleep and ended the call. I was sad that I'm missing another moment here with my friends. But, my friends didn't seem to feel that way. I trusted their intuition more than mine. Something about me needs to change.
On New Year's Eve, I finally figured it out. I knew why I was feeling not right. I knew what was missing. I knew what was holding me back. I knew what was restraining me from doing what I really loved doing.
I was living with my mind in the past. I was always thinking about what should have been and what could have been. I spent my entire first semester in college thinking about things at home. I always thought about my family and friends at home. My mind was all filled with what was happening at home. At the end, I just wasn't living my life.
I knew I needed to change. I need to live in the present, not the past or the future. I made up my mind. I was definitely going down a different road this time. Not the same mistake again. A new path this time.
The first thing I did was to stop scrolling Facebook and Instagram. I realized that I was so hooked up on those social media sites because I wanted to know what was happening to everyone else at home. I needed to stop living in the past, looking at their lives. Why not use that time and energy to do something that I've always wanted to do.
Surprisingly, that has been one of the most observable life changing thing I've done so far. I'm sure some people might be scoffing at how childish this move sounds, but no one else knows what I've gone through the last week. It's difficult to put it in words.
For a start, my feelings and conscience feels lighter. I feel like a burden has been lifted off me. Something that was holding me back from living my life is not there anymore. I feel alone and free. I don't feel tied to the people around me. I feel like I can go out there and explore.
All of a sudden, I feel in control of my life. I've got good focus on what I want to achieve. I'm managing time well, charting my schedule to be filled with different things. My head somehow feels lighter. The world is at my feet now. I'm making great plans to explore the outside world.
And, for the first time in a while, I feel like I can fall in love again. I think that closure with my high school crush couldn't have come at a better time. She and that best friend (who changed) have given me a clear picture of how to navigate through girls and what kind of a girl I really want in life.
It's that nice feeling inside me. I don't really know how to say it out loud. That feeling when you know there's someone out there waiting for you. Liberating myself from the feelings attached to my high school crush has given me a sense of hope.
I see other girls so differently these days. I finally get to see how pretty they actually look. I finally feel like socializing and flirting. I feel like I should ask girls out for dinners and movies. I'm glad I'm finally able to willingly go forth and enjoy these pastures of American college life.
So, why only Facebook and Instagram? That was just a choice I made considering how those two were affecting my life. I still use Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp and Skype so that I can keep in touch with my family and friends.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still excited to go home. I wanna meet my family. I wanna play basketball with my friends. I wanna say hi to my coach. I wanna run under the scorching Malaysian sun. And, most importantly, I wanna meet Rusky.
Rusky is still waiting for me back home. He still looks at the staircase when my mum calls out my name. He's still waiting for me to come down the stairs and take him for a run. He's still waiting for me to play wrestling and ball. Whenever I think of the flight I'll board back home in 4 months, the first image I see is that of Rusky running up to me at the gate.
The feeling towards home is different now. It's not like it used to be. I miss home, but in a totally different way. I wanna enjoy the comforts of home, but I'm gonna keep that aside for 4 months. I'm ready to live my life here. I'm finally ready to accept America as my home away from home....
It has been quite a ride since I felt high school. All that emotional roller coaster throughout heartbreaks and changing environments and changing people left my emotions questioning myself. What am I even doing?
It's New Year' Eve. It's time to make a resolution for the year ahead. I'm just sitting there in the shady room reflecting about the year that passed. It was just, I don't know. All I see is my emotions being confused.
I definitely had quite a bit of fun as 19 year old teenager. I my wonderful friends accompany me throughout the 8 months I was away from studying. I played tons of sports and spent tons of energy on the track. I spent so much quality time with my family and especially Rusky. I lost my virginity. I came to college in America, the country of dreams. There are many other small events along the way that were really enjoyable.But when I sat down reflecting on the past year, all I saw was the negative emotions that concluded my year.
My high school crush and I got together for about a month. Somehow, it sparked only when we were thousands of miles apart. That was memorable. That one month, we told each other everything that we thought about each other. I can't believe I actually got the chance to tell her all my high school fantasies about her. Well, she eventually got really busy with college and thought it would be better to just call it off. It was a little devastating, but I lived with it.
I left home for the first time in my life, in the name of stepping foot on America. I missed home food a little. I missed the family moments a lot more, especially on the special occasions. I missed my dog like hell. I still tear a little from time to time when I think about him, but not as much as I used to.
I lost a friend I knew very well. I spent so much time with her during my time back home. I cared for her so much, I don't know why. But during the 4 months that I was here, she just changed into someone I didn't understand at all. Her med school work and boyfriend and what not just made her into something else. She said some really hurtful things. I usually forgive her, but she's still that unknown person. I didn't believe that meme I used to see on facebook on "not knowing the person whom you spent a lot of time with a few months back" would actually be true, until now.
One of the turning points that told me I need to change was during Christmas. My friend back home was hosting a Christmas party. All I wanted was to be on skype with them during the entire party. Well, we did skype for a while but I was expecting to be there on skype the entire way. They said it was inconvenient and I just gave a excuse that I needed to sleep and ended the call. I was sad that I'm missing another moment here with my friends. But, my friends didn't seem to feel that way. I trusted their intuition more than mine. Something about me needs to change.
On New Year's Eve, I finally figured it out. I knew why I was feeling not right. I knew what was missing. I knew what was holding me back. I knew what was restraining me from doing what I really loved doing.
I was living with my mind in the past. I was always thinking about what should have been and what could have been. I spent my entire first semester in college thinking about things at home. I always thought about my family and friends at home. My mind was all filled with what was happening at home. At the end, I just wasn't living my life.
I knew I needed to change. I need to live in the present, not the past or the future. I made up my mind. I was definitely going down a different road this time. Not the same mistake again. A new path this time.
The first thing I did was to stop scrolling Facebook and Instagram. I realized that I was so hooked up on those social media sites because I wanted to know what was happening to everyone else at home. I needed to stop living in the past, looking at their lives. Why not use that time and energy to do something that I've always wanted to do.
Surprisingly, that has been one of the most observable life changing thing I've done so far. I'm sure some people might be scoffing at how childish this move sounds, but no one else knows what I've gone through the last week. It's difficult to put it in words.
For a start, my feelings and conscience feels lighter. I feel like a burden has been lifted off me. Something that was holding me back from living my life is not there anymore. I feel alone and free. I don't feel tied to the people around me. I feel like I can go out there and explore.
All of a sudden, I feel in control of my life. I've got good focus on what I want to achieve. I'm managing time well, charting my schedule to be filled with different things. My head somehow feels lighter. The world is at my feet now. I'm making great plans to explore the outside world.
And, for the first time in a while, I feel like I can fall in love again. I think that closure with my high school crush couldn't have come at a better time. She and that best friend (who changed) have given me a clear picture of how to navigate through girls and what kind of a girl I really want in life.
It's that nice feeling inside me. I don't really know how to say it out loud. That feeling when you know there's someone out there waiting for you. Liberating myself from the feelings attached to my high school crush has given me a sense of hope.
I see other girls so differently these days. I finally get to see how pretty they actually look. I finally feel like socializing and flirting. I feel like I should ask girls out for dinners and movies. I'm glad I'm finally able to willingly go forth and enjoy these pastures of American college life.
So, why only Facebook and Instagram? That was just a choice I made considering how those two were affecting my life. I still use Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp and Skype so that I can keep in touch with my family and friends.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still excited to go home. I wanna meet my family. I wanna play basketball with my friends. I wanna say hi to my coach. I wanna run under the scorching Malaysian sun. And, most importantly, I wanna meet Rusky.
Rusky is still waiting for me back home. He still looks at the staircase when my mum calls out my name. He's still waiting for me to come down the stairs and take him for a run. He's still waiting for me to play wrestling and ball. Whenever I think of the flight I'll board back home in 4 months, the first image I see is that of Rusky running up to me at the gate.
The feeling towards home is different now. It's not like it used to be. I miss home, but in a totally different way. I wanna enjoy the comforts of home, but I'm gonna keep that aside for 4 months. I'm ready to live my life here. I'm finally ready to accept America as my home away from home....
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
This Malaysian in Boston
As my friends return home for their break, I sit here on the 12th floor of the StuVi 2, facing the majestic view of the great city of Boston. Pieces of ice smack the think window pane, effortlessly trying to inflict that small crack. And then I see droplets of rain gliding down the cold air. The weather is driving me nuts.
A very kind soul offers me his couch for two nights because the dormitories are not opened to students as yet. The first time I view Boston city from this same living room on the 12th floor, I'm struck by awe. It's not beautiful; its simply picturesque. And here I am, living in this city.
Awe refuses to leave my soul as I try to familiarize myself to Commonwealth Avenue during my next few days. If I was as adept as Eva Hoffmann, I would write a 1000 word paragraph to describe the buildings here.
Red bricks line the walls of houses along the Comm Ave and Bay State Road. Marsh Chapel displays amazing Gothic architecture with an odd but amazing sculpture in the middle of Marsh plaza. The College of Arts and Sciences showcases American stone masonry through engraved names of donors. But, Comm Ave itself signifies what BU is.
Huge trees line the road from Alston up to Kenmore Square. They turn a beautiful shade of red in Fall. Boston city has been kind to provide benches along the road, for that random guy to enjoy the warm Fall sun. Or, perhaps for that girl who needs to cry on her friend's shoulder.
Diversity. The one word that BU will always be proud of. People from all over the world come here. From Paris and Buenos Aires, to the outskirts of Barcelona and the tiny nation of Malaysia, there are different people in every corner.
Diversity not only in culture, but in opportunities as well. Here, there's a place for everyone. No one discriminates you for your choices. You could be in the basketball team, play piano in the College of Fine Arts (we have 140 pianos here, more than 100 are grand pianos), join the BU dance troupe, be an art major and join the astronomy club for star gazing, row boats on the Charles, ice skate and the list goes on and on.
I am impressed by America so far, or Boston at least. The people here are different from the people back home. It's not really about being friendly; outsiders probably perceive the locals as friendly because they're more outspoken. It's more about how approachable they are.
I was definitely surprised by the change in setting at the beginning, but I've adapted pretty well. At first, it felt like I was putting on a play. A feeling of tesknota filled me as I thought about a Shakespeare's poem which describes our lives as a play. Now, I've changed. I've changed so much that I wonder how weird I will sound when I get home. Home, I breathe a sigh.
The food has been pretty decent so far. I am just lucky that BU has one of the best dining halls in America. It is one of the best because of the variety of food offered. On some days, the dining hall comes up with something special: Lobster night, Invitational Chef night, German cuisine a couple of other specialties. But of course, just like food at home, it isn't always nice everyday and sometimes we get bored of the same food.
My American adventure has been great so far. However, every adventurer will definitely feel like coming home some day, and so do I. The weather is driving me crazy here. It's cold and chilly all the time now. Some days, I just stare out the window longing for the warmth of home. I think about how I can run gracefully in the parks every evening under the warm setting sun. Here, it's too cold to run outside on most days. I miss those exploding runs in the heat.
On some days, I do crave for home food. Egg curry, chicken varuval, nasi lemak, wan tan mee and it goes on and on. The food here is relatively great compared to the dorm food that is served elsewhere but it can never meet the same level of satisfaction as hot-cooked home food.
I miss my friends and family a lot too. I always think about talking to them. I have a couple of great friends here, but they're not the same as my friends back home. We just shared a connection that was built for a long time. My friends here don't give me that same level of comfort. I wanna talk to friends back home every week, but those are impossible dreams.
Everyone has their own life to focus on. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the one wasting too much time talking to people back home. My heart tells me no. Every week, despite having homework piling up and tests to study for, I always wanna put them aside and talk to people back home. I spend time scrolling facebook just to know what's happening at home. I send texts to random, old friends just to keep in touch. I post things on facebook as a way to keep my friends updated about me. But, it still isn't quite the same.
As I see the blinking lights and planes flying out of Logan International Airport through the clear glass panes of this apartment, I wonder when I will be on one of those planes. The thanksgiving season isn't helping with homesickness. I too wanna go back and see my family. I too wanna go back and play with Rusky. I too wanna go back and go out with my friends.
Those are all foolish thoughts now. I don't know what the future holds, but if things go according to plan, I have no long term future in Malaysia. I will probably only go back for a few months a year during summer for many years to come. It's just that, I'm still not ready to let go off home....
A very kind soul offers me his couch for two nights because the dormitories are not opened to students as yet. The first time I view Boston city from this same living room on the 12th floor, I'm struck by awe. It's not beautiful; its simply picturesque. And here I am, living in this city.
Awe refuses to leave my soul as I try to familiarize myself to Commonwealth Avenue during my next few days. If I was as adept as Eva Hoffmann, I would write a 1000 word paragraph to describe the buildings here.
Red bricks line the walls of houses along the Comm Ave and Bay State Road. Marsh Chapel displays amazing Gothic architecture with an odd but amazing sculpture in the middle of Marsh plaza. The College of Arts and Sciences showcases American stone masonry through engraved names of donors. But, Comm Ave itself signifies what BU is.
Huge trees line the road from Alston up to Kenmore Square. They turn a beautiful shade of red in Fall. Boston city has been kind to provide benches along the road, for that random guy to enjoy the warm Fall sun. Or, perhaps for that girl who needs to cry on her friend's shoulder.
Diversity. The one word that BU will always be proud of. People from all over the world come here. From Paris and Buenos Aires, to the outskirts of Barcelona and the tiny nation of Malaysia, there are different people in every corner.
Diversity not only in culture, but in opportunities as well. Here, there's a place for everyone. No one discriminates you for your choices. You could be in the basketball team, play piano in the College of Fine Arts (we have 140 pianos here, more than 100 are grand pianos), join the BU dance troupe, be an art major and join the astronomy club for star gazing, row boats on the Charles, ice skate and the list goes on and on.
I am impressed by America so far, or Boston at least. The people here are different from the people back home. It's not really about being friendly; outsiders probably perceive the locals as friendly because they're more outspoken. It's more about how approachable they are.
I was definitely surprised by the change in setting at the beginning, but I've adapted pretty well. At first, it felt like I was putting on a play. A feeling of tesknota filled me as I thought about a Shakespeare's poem which describes our lives as a play. Now, I've changed. I've changed so much that I wonder how weird I will sound when I get home. Home, I breathe a sigh.
The food has been pretty decent so far. I am just lucky that BU has one of the best dining halls in America. It is one of the best because of the variety of food offered. On some days, the dining hall comes up with something special: Lobster night, Invitational Chef night, German cuisine a couple of other specialties. But of course, just like food at home, it isn't always nice everyday and sometimes we get bored of the same food.
My American adventure has been great so far. However, every adventurer will definitely feel like coming home some day, and so do I. The weather is driving me crazy here. It's cold and chilly all the time now. Some days, I just stare out the window longing for the warmth of home. I think about how I can run gracefully in the parks every evening under the warm setting sun. Here, it's too cold to run outside on most days. I miss those exploding runs in the heat.
On some days, I do crave for home food. Egg curry, chicken varuval, nasi lemak, wan tan mee and it goes on and on. The food here is relatively great compared to the dorm food that is served elsewhere but it can never meet the same level of satisfaction as hot-cooked home food.
I miss my friends and family a lot too. I always think about talking to them. I have a couple of great friends here, but they're not the same as my friends back home. We just shared a connection that was built for a long time. My friends here don't give me that same level of comfort. I wanna talk to friends back home every week, but those are impossible dreams.
Everyone has their own life to focus on. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the one wasting too much time talking to people back home. My heart tells me no. Every week, despite having homework piling up and tests to study for, I always wanna put them aside and talk to people back home. I spend time scrolling facebook just to know what's happening at home. I send texts to random, old friends just to keep in touch. I post things on facebook as a way to keep my friends updated about me. But, it still isn't quite the same.
As I see the blinking lights and planes flying out of Logan International Airport through the clear glass panes of this apartment, I wonder when I will be on one of those planes. The thanksgiving season isn't helping with homesickness. I too wanna go back and see my family. I too wanna go back and play with Rusky. I too wanna go back and go out with my friends.
Those are all foolish thoughts now. I don't know what the future holds, but if things go according to plan, I have no long term future in Malaysia. I will probably only go back for a few months a year during summer for many years to come. It's just that, I'm still not ready to let go off home....
Friday, November 21, 2014
I'm Finally Here
I feel indifferent. Is it because I have played this scene time and time again in my mind? Why am I not feeling overwhelmed? Is it a script written for me and one that I have memorized?
I set foot on Japan in the Narita International Airport. All I know about Japan is Naruto, sushi, geisha and hentai. For a moment, I wonder what I am to do now. I have never been in a flight that had to transit at places. I follow the crowd, and eventually find the American Airlines counter. I get my new ticket to Dallas.
With a couple of hours to waste, I walk around the transit area to look for food. As I slowly start to look around, I'm astonished by how expensive things are. I get a bun and bottle of juice and settle down beside a window. As I stare out at the planes taking off, I try to take a step back and think about what's happening.
Honestly, I don't know what to feel. Am I supposed to be sad that I'm leaving my family behind? Am I supposed to be overwhelmingly happy that I'm on my way to living my dream? I feel weird about how normal all of this feels. Why am I not tearing or jumping out of joy?
I take that time to read the messages on my phone and to update my family and friends on my whereabouts. I feel touched looking at what my friends have posted on social media about me. Encouraging words fill my silent voice as I recall how lucky I am to have these wonderful people around me.
My mum texts me about how everyone is feeling my absence at home. She tells me that my brother is still crying thinking about me. He probably felt depressed that that source of comfort was no longer in his room. My sister texts me about how she misses me as well. She might not show it out, but I know my sister well, just like how I know my entire family. My parents, who have had me by their side for 20 years, must be feeling heavy with my absence around my house. You know something big has happened when your parents text you in a different tone than they used to.
And then my emotions return to the other silent voice at home. I wonder what he is doing now. Was he looking for me when my parents returned home? Is he still waiting for me to come downstairs to take him for a walk? Is he waiting for a belly rub? As tiny drops of tears form around my eyelid, I shrug it off and decide to board my next flight.
The journey is taking too long. I've lost count of time. I wake up from a long sleep, facing the clear blue skies as the Boeing flight glides over the clouds. I'm lucky to have gotten a window seat. Soon, I see some piece of land. It must be California, I think.
I touchdown in Dallas at the sight of the burning sun. Expected. It's Texas anyway, the land of cowboys and outlaws and deserts. My hungry tummy leads me to a McDonalds. When I look at the menu, I realize that I'm actually in alien land.
I take a step back and try hard to decide what those words even mean. The menu is completely different. Why don't they have McChicken? All this while, I thought McChicken was the universal McD food item. I decide on a burrito and settle at one of the tables.
Again, I realize how indifferent I feel in this new place. It's an entirely new surrounding, completely different people, totally different atmosphere. But, it's as if I am meant to be here at this exact moment. I know I'm far, far away from home, but this doesn't feel so different from home. I see all the Americans walking past me, a scene that I've acted in before, and I feel that this is my perfect role.
A couple of hours later, I'm on a smaller plane, en route to the North East. I try to kill time on the plane because I'm sick of sleeping. And, I don't wanna fall asleep because then I would miss out on the meals. So, I flip through some magazines, but I find nothing interesting there. And so, I do resort to what I do best-observing.
I observe how the people around me are so different. By now, I decide to give up on trying to decipher why I don't feel the huge changes I'm going through. I see new people who speak using the American accent, I find my love in cran-apple juice. Then, I notice something different about the stewardesses.
They're really friendly. That's an innate American trait, but what catches my attention more is how these stewardess are not hot or pretty or have their faces stuffed with make up. They're average looking, not too young or old, and are dressed rather simple. This feels like how I like the world to be-non discriminatory. The first time I feel like I'm in Utopia.
I finally land in the Logan International Airport. The moment I step out of the airport, reality hits me right away. It's always been this way since I was a young boy. I've replayed this scene many times in my head, so much so it feels like I'm acting out what I practiced. My childhood dream is waiting for me somewhere out there. I'm finally living the American dream - my American Dream!
I set foot on Japan in the Narita International Airport. All I know about Japan is Naruto, sushi, geisha and hentai. For a moment, I wonder what I am to do now. I have never been in a flight that had to transit at places. I follow the crowd, and eventually find the American Airlines counter. I get my new ticket to Dallas.
With a couple of hours to waste, I walk around the transit area to look for food. As I slowly start to look around, I'm astonished by how expensive things are. I get a bun and bottle of juice and settle down beside a window. As I stare out at the planes taking off, I try to take a step back and think about what's happening.
Honestly, I don't know what to feel. Am I supposed to be sad that I'm leaving my family behind? Am I supposed to be overwhelmingly happy that I'm on my way to living my dream? I feel weird about how normal all of this feels. Why am I not tearing or jumping out of joy?
I take that time to read the messages on my phone and to update my family and friends on my whereabouts. I feel touched looking at what my friends have posted on social media about me. Encouraging words fill my silent voice as I recall how lucky I am to have these wonderful people around me.
My mum texts me about how everyone is feeling my absence at home. She tells me that my brother is still crying thinking about me. He probably felt depressed that that source of comfort was no longer in his room. My sister texts me about how she misses me as well. She might not show it out, but I know my sister well, just like how I know my entire family. My parents, who have had me by their side for 20 years, must be feeling heavy with my absence around my house. You know something big has happened when your parents text you in a different tone than they used to.
And then my emotions return to the other silent voice at home. I wonder what he is doing now. Was he looking for me when my parents returned home? Is he still waiting for me to come downstairs to take him for a walk? Is he waiting for a belly rub? As tiny drops of tears form around my eyelid, I shrug it off and decide to board my next flight.
The journey is taking too long. I've lost count of time. I wake up from a long sleep, facing the clear blue skies as the Boeing flight glides over the clouds. I'm lucky to have gotten a window seat. Soon, I see some piece of land. It must be California, I think.
I touchdown in Dallas at the sight of the burning sun. Expected. It's Texas anyway, the land of cowboys and outlaws and deserts. My hungry tummy leads me to a McDonalds. When I look at the menu, I realize that I'm actually in alien land.
I take a step back and try hard to decide what those words even mean. The menu is completely different. Why don't they have McChicken? All this while, I thought McChicken was the universal McD food item. I decide on a burrito and settle at one of the tables.
Again, I realize how indifferent I feel in this new place. It's an entirely new surrounding, completely different people, totally different atmosphere. But, it's as if I am meant to be here at this exact moment. I know I'm far, far away from home, but this doesn't feel so different from home. I see all the Americans walking past me, a scene that I've acted in before, and I feel that this is my perfect role.
A couple of hours later, I'm on a smaller plane, en route to the North East. I try to kill time on the plane because I'm sick of sleeping. And, I don't wanna fall asleep because then I would miss out on the meals. So, I flip through some magazines, but I find nothing interesting there. And so, I do resort to what I do best-observing.
I observe how the people around me are so different. By now, I decide to give up on trying to decipher why I don't feel the huge changes I'm going through. I see new people who speak using the American accent, I find my love in cran-apple juice. Then, I notice something different about the stewardesses.
They're really friendly. That's an innate American trait, but what catches my attention more is how these stewardess are not hot or pretty or have their faces stuffed with make up. They're average looking, not too young or old, and are dressed rather simple. This feels like how I like the world to be-non discriminatory. The first time I feel like I'm in Utopia.
I finally land in the Logan International Airport. The moment I step out of the airport, reality hits me right away. It's always been this way since I was a young boy. I've replayed this scene many times in my head, so much so it feels like I'm acting out what I practiced. My childhood dream is waiting for me somewhere out there. I'm finally living the American dream - my American Dream!
Sunday, October 5, 2014
I'll Be Back Soon
It was always just the both of us. Just us. Now, it's him and me.
He came to me as a puppy. His picture when he was a puppy has always been the wallpaper on my laptop, so I still remember how he looked like 2 years ago.
I still remember the first day I met him. Rocky and he were running around the house. The moment the saw me at the gate, they ran to me. I carried both the adorable puppies, one in each hand. I was overwhelmed. I couldn't stop playing with them.
Rocky was sent back to the shelter after a few weeks because Rusky and he kept on fighting. That was an emotional separation for us, but we were there for each other. He lost his brother, I lost one of my dogs. It took a toll for a few days but we moved on from that sad incident.
Since then, we've been the greatest of buddies. We grew close to each other very fast. I took care of him so that he wouldn't feel the loss of Rocky. I didn't realize how close I grew to him until that night during chinese new year in 2013.
Rusky was terrified by the firecrackers. He was too scared that he ran out of the house through one of the holes on the compound wall, at 1 a.m. I watched from the window as he jumped out. Before I could open the door and call out to him, he was gone. I immediately ran out to look for him.
I called out to him every where but he was no where to be seen. I even took the car out to look for him but I just couldn't see him. The lack of illumination at night was a huge obstacle. I was already in tears. My aunt somehow convinced that he would return the next day.
I couldn't sleep. I woke up every hour on my own to see if he was sleeping outside my gate. Nothing. At 6, I went out to look for him again. I walked every where I could, calling out his name like a mad person. I even took the car to the highway to see if he had made it that far. All I could think of was that this was probably how my friend felt when he lost his dog. I still remember sitting on the bench in the field thinking about all the times I had spent with Rusky (that was only about 2 months). I just decided to go home and start to look for him an hour later.
I was having breakfast when my mum came back home from church. I could hear them shouting "Rusky" from outside. I just pushed my plate aside and ran out the door. And there was my little boy happily running towards me. The first thing he did was to lick the tears off my face. I can't explain how relieved I was. I made him a small hut with a cage and 3 blankets so that he could sleep without the loud sound, for the next few days.
That was way way back. The emotions that I had to go through that night was the best epitome of how much I've grown to love him as my buddy. After that day, whenever he runs out, I'll go chase him, play a little hide and seek and carry him back into the house. And that was about to end too.
A week before I left, I started to already feel sad about leaving him. I was frantically teaching the maid in my house about how to take care of him, from taking him for walks to bathing him, to giving him a belly rub.
Every passing day, I'll just look at him and think about how he is going to cope after I'm gone. I tried to play with him whenever I could, even if it meant just stroking his head, because that was the last few times I would be able to do that.
At times, I would stare at him and try to talk to him. He will look at me for a while and put his head down for me to stroke. I try so hard sometimes, even though I know it is useless. And every time I do that, I am reminded of the day that looms.
One day, I just wanted to let it all out. So, at night, I just took him out for a walk. I walked him to the field, and sat down on a bench to talk to him. I knew it was gonna be all teary but I did say some stuff to him.
"Hey Rusky. You know what, I'm leaving..." And that's all I could utter in all that sobbing.
The next day, I somehow felt better. I took him out for his walks, but took him for longer walks because after I was gone, I was sure no one would take the initiative to take him places. Even then I tried talking, constantly saying stuff like "Take care boy. Don't run away too much" but he just walked along.
A day later, again, I took him out at night. This time, I promised myself I would say something more. Again, we sat down on the same bench.
"Hey Rusky, I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to fly somewhere far, far away. I won't be here to take care of you anymore. I won't be here to take you for runs anymore. You'll have to make do without all the care that I have been giving you. Remember to be a good boy. I know you'll miss biting me and playing wrestling with me and playing ball and asking for treats and jumping at the gate in the morning and, and......"
"Promise me you'll be a great doggy kay? I'm gonna miss you badly when I go to Boston. I'll be back Rusky" I wiped away my tears, smiled at him, and walked him back home.
I decided that Rusky had to have the best last walk before I left. So, first I took him as far as I could, letting him smell the new places. And then we ran and ran till he got tired and started jumping on me to stop. He was tired and probably thought we could run the next day. He didn't know there wasn't one.
As I walked out of the house after getting dressed, I saw my little doggy wagging his tail while looking at me. Everyone else was moving my luggage. All I could do was just sit there with him and cry. I asked everyone else to go out into the car while I spent my last few moments with him alone. I just patted him, stroked him on his head, gave him a belly rub, stroked him more and more till I knew I had to leave.
"Bye Rusky, I'll be back soon, doggie" He probably thought the "bye" was like how it has always been. He didn't know I wasn't coming back home that night, or the nights that followed.
I'm not shy to admit that I'm crying this instant while typing this blog post. This is what happens every time I think of him here.
I see him on skype once a week but he can't recognize my voice over Skype. He always responded to me when I called him at home. Sometimes, if he's sleeping, he'll wake up only if I call him, not anybody else. He knew my voice so well, but it's sad to see he can't now. I try effortlessly to call him over skype.
"Rusky, come here boy" "Hey Rusky" "Do you wanna go for walk?" "Rusky wants a treat?" "Hey Rusky" None of it works.
When I get lonely here at times, I think of him. I think of how he hears my footsteps when I wake up every morning. If I happen to sleep after 8.30, he barks out loud to wake me up. If the maid wants to take him out for walk, he looks at the staircase to see if I'm coming down. When he hears me coming down the staircase, he starts jumping in excitement.
"Good morning Rusky" He looks at me for a moment. "Let's go for walk" And he starts jumping like crazy. His excitement makes me smile every time. We have a series of steps to complete before we go for a walk. I asked my sister to record them one day so I could keep it. I watch it over and over again here, but it isn't the same.
When I see people walking their dogs here, I think of Rusky. Sometimes, I approach the dogs and play with them. I pat them, stroke their heads and massage their jaws, just like how I used to do to Rusky. After I walk off, I smell the dogs on my hands, and I start to miss Rusky.
I'll come back to my dorm and start thinking about him. Rusky loves belly rubs. Sometimes, he positions his body so that I can give him a belly rub. And he always doesn't want me to stop. That look on his face is still there on my mind.
Then, there are those moments I watch videos of dogs on facebook. I think of all the cute moments with Rusky. Sometimes, after he eats, he tries to remove the rice in his throat. He does it a very cute manner. I have a picture of him doing that. But that's it, just a picture. I'm not there to disturb him.
He acts crazy whenever I come home from anywhere. Every single time. I'll open the gate, lead him to the table, and massage him as he tries so hard to lick my face. He succeeds at times though. Then, I'll pat him and he will be fine.
I miss giving him treats and training him. All those tricks he knows, I thought him from scratch. Everything was between us. Just me and him. We spent a lot of time together. And now he has to spend it alone.
I dream of him sometimes when I'm here. Whenever I see him in my sleep, I tear up and wake up instantly. And after that, I take a while to sleep back. But I never wanna sleep back. I just wanna continue thinking about him.
When people ask me what do I miss most at home, there is only one answer . "My dog. I really really miss him." I miss everyone else at home too. I always wanna talk to them too. But, at least I can talk to them. I can't even do that with Rusky. I try to stay happy on skype but I usually hold back my tears when I try to call him on skype. That's just the sad reality.
Sometimes, I feel sad that he no more gets the attention that I use to give him. Nobody else at home does that. When I ask them if they gave Rusky a belly rub, my mum just blames my brother for not playing with him.They like him, but they've never seen him the way I do. To them, he's just a dog. To me, he's my buddy. All the little things that I used to do...it's ok, I don't wanna delve on that. The only thing that gives me some peace of mind is that there is someone to do the basic stuff that he needs.
Sometimes, I think of the times I'll lie down beside him and and pat him. If he's sleepy, he'll snuggle his nose in between my arm and body. If he's excited, he'll jump on me and bite me. And, we end up playing wrestling and I end up having scars on my hands, and all that saliva I need to wash off. I miss him biting me too.
Sometimes, I wonder why I miss him so much. I think it's probably like how a mother would miss her child. I've brought him up since young, gave him all the attention he needs, taught him discipline, spoiled him from time to time, made sure he had his needs take care off. But now, I have to leave him in the hands of people who don't see him the way I do. That's the most disappointing part.
My friends can try to console me but there's nothing much they can do. The truth is, I'm away from my dog and I can't do anything. It's a heavy sacrifice that I have to make in order to pursue my dream. Even with all these thoughts, I'm just helpless. I'll just continue to think about him till that day comes.
The day when I return home, and Rusky sees me, runs up to me, and then I'll massage him, he'll start licking and biting me and then we'll play catch till we're tired and he'll settle down. The day I return home to see my little boy....
"Bye Rusky. I'll be back soon, doggie"
He came to me as a puppy. His picture when he was a puppy has always been the wallpaper on my laptop, so I still remember how he looked like 2 years ago.
I still remember the first day I met him. Rocky and he were running around the house. The moment the saw me at the gate, they ran to me. I carried both the adorable puppies, one in each hand. I was overwhelmed. I couldn't stop playing with them.
Rocky was sent back to the shelter after a few weeks because Rusky and he kept on fighting. That was an emotional separation for us, but we were there for each other. He lost his brother, I lost one of my dogs. It took a toll for a few days but we moved on from that sad incident.
Since then, we've been the greatest of buddies. We grew close to each other very fast. I took care of him so that he wouldn't feel the loss of Rocky. I didn't realize how close I grew to him until that night during chinese new year in 2013.
Rusky was terrified by the firecrackers. He was too scared that he ran out of the house through one of the holes on the compound wall, at 1 a.m. I watched from the window as he jumped out. Before I could open the door and call out to him, he was gone. I immediately ran out to look for him.
I called out to him every where but he was no where to be seen. I even took the car out to look for him but I just couldn't see him. The lack of illumination at night was a huge obstacle. I was already in tears. My aunt somehow convinced that he would return the next day.
I couldn't sleep. I woke up every hour on my own to see if he was sleeping outside my gate. Nothing. At 6, I went out to look for him again. I walked every where I could, calling out his name like a mad person. I even took the car to the highway to see if he had made it that far. All I could think of was that this was probably how my friend felt when he lost his dog. I still remember sitting on the bench in the field thinking about all the times I had spent with Rusky (that was only about 2 months). I just decided to go home and start to look for him an hour later.
I was having breakfast when my mum came back home from church. I could hear them shouting "Rusky" from outside. I just pushed my plate aside and ran out the door. And there was my little boy happily running towards me. The first thing he did was to lick the tears off my face. I can't explain how relieved I was. I made him a small hut with a cage and 3 blankets so that he could sleep without the loud sound, for the next few days.
That was way way back. The emotions that I had to go through that night was the best epitome of how much I've grown to love him as my buddy. After that day, whenever he runs out, I'll go chase him, play a little hide and seek and carry him back into the house. And that was about to end too.
A week before I left, I started to already feel sad about leaving him. I was frantically teaching the maid in my house about how to take care of him, from taking him for walks to bathing him, to giving him a belly rub.
Every passing day, I'll just look at him and think about how he is going to cope after I'm gone. I tried to play with him whenever I could, even if it meant just stroking his head, because that was the last few times I would be able to do that.
At times, I would stare at him and try to talk to him. He will look at me for a while and put his head down for me to stroke. I try so hard sometimes, even though I know it is useless. And every time I do that, I am reminded of the day that looms.
One day, I just wanted to let it all out. So, at night, I just took him out for a walk. I walked him to the field, and sat down on a bench to talk to him. I knew it was gonna be all teary but I did say some stuff to him.
"Hey Rusky. You know what, I'm leaving..." And that's all I could utter in all that sobbing.
The next day, I somehow felt better. I took him out for his walks, but took him for longer walks because after I was gone, I was sure no one would take the initiative to take him places. Even then I tried talking, constantly saying stuff like "Take care boy. Don't run away too much" but he just walked along.
A day later, again, I took him out at night. This time, I promised myself I would say something more. Again, we sat down on the same bench.
"Hey Rusky, I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to fly somewhere far, far away. I won't be here to take care of you anymore. I won't be here to take you for runs anymore. You'll have to make do without all the care that I have been giving you. Remember to be a good boy. I know you'll miss biting me and playing wrestling with me and playing ball and asking for treats and jumping at the gate in the morning and, and......"
"Promise me you'll be a great doggy kay? I'm gonna miss you badly when I go to Boston. I'll be back Rusky" I wiped away my tears, smiled at him, and walked him back home.
I decided that Rusky had to have the best last walk before I left. So, first I took him as far as I could, letting him smell the new places. And then we ran and ran till he got tired and started jumping on me to stop. He was tired and probably thought we could run the next day. He didn't know there wasn't one.
As I walked out of the house after getting dressed, I saw my little doggy wagging his tail while looking at me. Everyone else was moving my luggage. All I could do was just sit there with him and cry. I asked everyone else to go out into the car while I spent my last few moments with him alone. I just patted him, stroked him on his head, gave him a belly rub, stroked him more and more till I knew I had to leave.
"Bye Rusky, I'll be back soon, doggie" He probably thought the "bye" was like how it has always been. He didn't know I wasn't coming back home that night, or the nights that followed.
I'm not shy to admit that I'm crying this instant while typing this blog post. This is what happens every time I think of him here.
I see him on skype once a week but he can't recognize my voice over Skype. He always responded to me when I called him at home. Sometimes, if he's sleeping, he'll wake up only if I call him, not anybody else. He knew my voice so well, but it's sad to see he can't now. I try effortlessly to call him over skype.
"Rusky, come here boy" "Hey Rusky" "Do you wanna go for walk?" "Rusky wants a treat?" "Hey Rusky" None of it works.
When I get lonely here at times, I think of him. I think of how he hears my footsteps when I wake up every morning. If I happen to sleep after 8.30, he barks out loud to wake me up. If the maid wants to take him out for walk, he looks at the staircase to see if I'm coming down. When he hears me coming down the staircase, he starts jumping in excitement.
"Good morning Rusky" He looks at me for a moment. "Let's go for walk" And he starts jumping like crazy. His excitement makes me smile every time. We have a series of steps to complete before we go for a walk. I asked my sister to record them one day so I could keep it. I watch it over and over again here, but it isn't the same.
When I see people walking their dogs here, I think of Rusky. Sometimes, I approach the dogs and play with them. I pat them, stroke their heads and massage their jaws, just like how I used to do to Rusky. After I walk off, I smell the dogs on my hands, and I start to miss Rusky.
I'll come back to my dorm and start thinking about him. Rusky loves belly rubs. Sometimes, he positions his body so that I can give him a belly rub. And he always doesn't want me to stop. That look on his face is still there on my mind.
Then, there are those moments I watch videos of dogs on facebook. I think of all the cute moments with Rusky. Sometimes, after he eats, he tries to remove the rice in his throat. He does it a very cute manner. I have a picture of him doing that. But that's it, just a picture. I'm not there to disturb him.
He acts crazy whenever I come home from anywhere. Every single time. I'll open the gate, lead him to the table, and massage him as he tries so hard to lick my face. He succeeds at times though. Then, I'll pat him and he will be fine.
I miss giving him treats and training him. All those tricks he knows, I thought him from scratch. Everything was between us. Just me and him. We spent a lot of time together. And now he has to spend it alone.
I dream of him sometimes when I'm here. Whenever I see him in my sleep, I tear up and wake up instantly. And after that, I take a while to sleep back. But I never wanna sleep back. I just wanna continue thinking about him.
When people ask me what do I miss most at home, there is only one answer . "My dog. I really really miss him." I miss everyone else at home too. I always wanna talk to them too. But, at least I can talk to them. I can't even do that with Rusky. I try to stay happy on skype but I usually hold back my tears when I try to call him on skype. That's just the sad reality.
Sometimes, I feel sad that he no more gets the attention that I use to give him. Nobody else at home does that. When I ask them if they gave Rusky a belly rub, my mum just blames my brother for not playing with him.They like him, but they've never seen him the way I do. To them, he's just a dog. To me, he's my buddy. All the little things that I used to do...it's ok, I don't wanna delve on that. The only thing that gives me some peace of mind is that there is someone to do the basic stuff that he needs.
Sometimes, I think of the times I'll lie down beside him and and pat him. If he's sleepy, he'll snuggle his nose in between my arm and body. If he's excited, he'll jump on me and bite me. And, we end up playing wrestling and I end up having scars on my hands, and all that saliva I need to wash off. I miss him biting me too.
Sometimes, I wonder why I miss him so much. I think it's probably like how a mother would miss her child. I've brought him up since young, gave him all the attention he needs, taught him discipline, spoiled him from time to time, made sure he had his needs take care off. But now, I have to leave him in the hands of people who don't see him the way I do. That's the most disappointing part.
My friends can try to console me but there's nothing much they can do. The truth is, I'm away from my dog and I can't do anything. It's a heavy sacrifice that I have to make in order to pursue my dream. Even with all these thoughts, I'm just helpless. I'll just continue to think about him till that day comes.
The day when I return home, and Rusky sees me, runs up to me, and then I'll massage him, he'll start licking and biting me and then we'll play catch till we're tired and he'll settle down. The day I return home to see my little boy....
"Bye Rusky. I'll be back soon, doggie"
The Journey Is Finally Here
I got closer and closer to date as the days flew by. I remember pausing my mind for a moment to think about the fact that I would be in a whole new place in a week. But people were waiting for me at home. So, I drove back immediately after getting my phone fixed.
Quite a number of my friends were already waiting for me when I returned home. I greeted each with a smile knowing that that could be the last time I was going to see them. Even then, my mind was still not grasping the magnitude of what was about to happen in a week's time.
I put on my favourite shirt and went downstairs to be greeted by a whole group of people I knew, from near and far. My house was so full with people, and I knew almost everyone of them. That's a lot of people to say goodbye to me.
I felt overwhelmed for a moment that that entire occasion was for me. Are you kidding me? What was happening to me that I needed such a big crowd. "You're going off to live your dream and these are some of the people whom you will be leaving behind", my inner self told me.
My closest friends were drowned out in the crowd, something that never happens when I am around them. But that was reality - many, many people actually came for my farewell party. I'm touched. But somehow, I'm still not overwhelmed.
My friends left at 1 in the morning. I cleaned up the place and went to bed. I was still not getting it. Why is this a big deal? Is it really that big of a thing? Why am I a celebrity all of a sudden? Why was the spotlight on me today? What kind of an impact did I have on people? Was I that important? None of these questions came up to me. I just didn't seem to get the magnitude of what was about to happen.
The days flew by just like that. Soon, it was Wednesday - a day before my 20th birthday. My mega best friend decided to celebrate my birthday today. How nice of her. She cooked lunch for me and we went over to her apartment. She needed some help with her study table and shelf, so I helped her fix it. Lunch was really nice. Salmon, mashed potatoes and boiled vegetables. And then, we went for a short swim in the pool despite running out of time to get back home. Before getting back home, we went to get me a pair of formal shoes which I needed to wear soon. And then, she got me a small birthday cake and we cut it at night. And just like that,Wednesday went by. It was too quick.
Thursday was bound to be a day of nostalgia. It was my last training session and basketball outing with friends. I was just sitting there with my coach and thinking about all the good times and hard work I had put in across the years. The younger boys will be much bigger when I see them the next time. I bade one last farewell to them before I drove off to my final basketball game with Prodigy.
I was unusually early. No one was there yet. The skies were clear and bright. I sat on the swing all alone just staring into empty space. I looked at the basketball and tried to recall all the fun moments my friends and I had playing basketball and football. It's not what we did, but it was the emotions that related to these experiences that was coming back to me. So much of emotions flowed right into me, and my heart just felt heavy. To leave all this and to go, that is quite a sacrifice. I played my last game and bade farewell to the place I had had the most fun in the last 9 months.
It was my birthday today, so my mum baked me a cake. My family had a small celebration for me. I've always wanted my mum to bake a cake for my birthday. She couldn't do it the last 2 years because of circumstances that I can't remember now. I was happy she baked one for me this time.
Hours later, it was Friday. I was still confused about what's happening. What is actually happening to me? Why am I feeling so emotionless when everything is centered on me now? I felt indifferent. I was still going with the flow. I was going out with my friends later tonight.
But before that, I had one last dinner with my coach and a few of my training friends. It was my last dinner with them, but I still couldn't grasp the magnitude of the event. The fact that the dinner was for me was not settling in. My emotions were shut out. I couldn't feel how much I would miss these people who had meant so much to me. I knew they were gonna feel it, and I'm sure the sight of me walking away after hugging each one of them stayed in for a while.
A while later, I was on the way to the night club with my friends. We tried our luck in one of the places, but got "kicked out" because we were below 21 years of age. Every other club was closed down because that Friday happened to be the day of mourning for the MH17 victims. After all the chaos of lost directions, we settled down in a bar. There were funny moments all along the way till we slept at 7.30 a.m. God bless the cleaners in McDonalds.
Again, I was still acting so normal. Why is that so? I couldn't come to terms with myself. It was as if it was a normal outing with friends. I didn't feel like I was leaving them. All that was running in my mind was that I'm not understanding the fact that I'm leaving to America the next day. It was as if it was a dream.
Saturday night, my friend helped me to repack my suitcase because my packing consumed too much space. Honestly, she did most of the packing and I was just staring at her doing it all the time. I knew I was going to miss her a lot as well. Tomorrow, at this time, I would be in the airport.
The atmosphere changed that night in my house. I could see the look on my siblings' face : The day they dreaded was approaching. I could feel the sadness in my sister's and brother's eyes as they watched my friend help me pack. I was leaving them for a long, long time. Somehow, I could feel their heart. I held back my tears.
Sunday finally came. I noticed every small thing I did, constantly telling myself that I probably won't be doing that for sometime. My relatives came over to see me that day. It all happened so fast. Soon, I was taking my last shower at home. I adorned my suit and was ready to leave. After a conversation, with my neighbours, I was on my way to the airport, with my family and closest buddies.
In the airport, I had to move some stuff from my luggage and things were good to go. My friends and I just had to get crazy again and rendezvoused in the playground inside the airport. All that while, all I could think of was "where else can I find friends like these?"
Before we knew it, we were at the gate. I gave my final hugs to my friends. I got a picture with every one of them-the last pictures I would take before I left. Each and every one of them meant something to me, and nobody could replace them. I don't know who to thank for bringing them in my life. We had a group hug and next up was my family.
My dad hugged me extra tightly that day. It had a different feel to it; he's probably already missing his son. My mum broke down in tears and I hugged her for a longer time than usual, saying "it's ok. I'll be back". My sister was in tears too. We never spent that much time before I left because she was already studying in her matriculation college, but she's been my sister for 18 years. She was definitely feeling the loss of the presence of her big brother. And my little brother, he was a strong boy. He said bye without shedding a single tear, but I knew he was probably gonna be affected the worst. We fight, we argue but at the end of the day, we are still brothers. And nobody can replace that figure in him.
I tried to give everyone one last look before I cleared immigration. Everyone was waving at me. At that moment, I realized how lucky I was to have so many people around me. Not everyone has that kind of luxury. One last familiar smile, one last wave, and I was off into the unknown......
P.S. The next blog post is going to be about Rusky. The author assures you that the emotional message will be much stronger then. It's not a story for the faint-hearted
Thursday was bound to be a day of nostalgia. It was my last training session and basketball outing with friends. I was just sitting there with my coach and thinking about all the good times and hard work I had put in across the years. The younger boys will be much bigger when I see them the next time. I bade one last farewell to them before I drove off to my final basketball game with Prodigy.
I was unusually early. No one was there yet. The skies were clear and bright. I sat on the swing all alone just staring into empty space. I looked at the basketball and tried to recall all the fun moments my friends and I had playing basketball and football. It's not what we did, but it was the emotions that related to these experiences that was coming back to me. So much of emotions flowed right into me, and my heart just felt heavy. To leave all this and to go, that is quite a sacrifice. I played my last game and bade farewell to the place I had had the most fun in the last 9 months.
It was my birthday today, so my mum baked me a cake. My family had a small celebration for me. I've always wanted my mum to bake a cake for my birthday. She couldn't do it the last 2 years because of circumstances that I can't remember now. I was happy she baked one for me this time.
Hours later, it was Friday. I was still confused about what's happening. What is actually happening to me? Why am I feeling so emotionless when everything is centered on me now? I felt indifferent. I was still going with the flow. I was going out with my friends later tonight.
But before that, I had one last dinner with my coach and a few of my training friends. It was my last dinner with them, but I still couldn't grasp the magnitude of the event. The fact that the dinner was for me was not settling in. My emotions were shut out. I couldn't feel how much I would miss these people who had meant so much to me. I knew they were gonna feel it, and I'm sure the sight of me walking away after hugging each one of them stayed in for a while.
A while later, I was on the way to the night club with my friends. We tried our luck in one of the places, but got "kicked out" because we were below 21 years of age. Every other club was closed down because that Friday happened to be the day of mourning for the MH17 victims. After all the chaos of lost directions, we settled down in a bar. There were funny moments all along the way till we slept at 7.30 a.m. God bless the cleaners in McDonalds.
Again, I was still acting so normal. Why is that so? I couldn't come to terms with myself. It was as if it was a normal outing with friends. I didn't feel like I was leaving them. All that was running in my mind was that I'm not understanding the fact that I'm leaving to America the next day. It was as if it was a dream.
Saturday night, my friend helped me to repack my suitcase because my packing consumed too much space. Honestly, she did most of the packing and I was just staring at her doing it all the time. I knew I was going to miss her a lot as well. Tomorrow, at this time, I would be in the airport.
The atmosphere changed that night in my house. I could see the look on my siblings' face : The day they dreaded was approaching. I could feel the sadness in my sister's and brother's eyes as they watched my friend help me pack. I was leaving them for a long, long time. Somehow, I could feel their heart. I held back my tears.
Sunday finally came. I noticed every small thing I did, constantly telling myself that I probably won't be doing that for sometime. My relatives came over to see me that day. It all happened so fast. Soon, I was taking my last shower at home. I adorned my suit and was ready to leave. After a conversation, with my neighbours, I was on my way to the airport, with my family and closest buddies.
In the airport, I had to move some stuff from my luggage and things were good to go. My friends and I just had to get crazy again and rendezvoused in the playground inside the airport. All that while, all I could think of was "where else can I find friends like these?"
Before we knew it, we were at the gate. I gave my final hugs to my friends. I got a picture with every one of them-the last pictures I would take before I left. Each and every one of them meant something to me, and nobody could replace them. I don't know who to thank for bringing them in my life. We had a group hug and next up was my family.
My dad hugged me extra tightly that day. It had a different feel to it; he's probably already missing his son. My mum broke down in tears and I hugged her for a longer time than usual, saying "it's ok. I'll be back". My sister was in tears too. We never spent that much time before I left because she was already studying in her matriculation college, but she's been my sister for 18 years. She was definitely feeling the loss of the presence of her big brother. And my little brother, he was a strong boy. He said bye without shedding a single tear, but I knew he was probably gonna be affected the worst. We fight, we argue but at the end of the day, we are still brothers. And nobody can replace that figure in him.
I tried to give everyone one last look before I cleared immigration. Everyone was waving at me. At that moment, I realized how lucky I was to have so many people around me. Not everyone has that kind of luxury. One last familiar smile, one last wave, and I was off into the unknown......
P.S. The next blog post is going to be about Rusky. The author assures you that the emotional message will be much stronger then. It's not a story for the faint-hearted
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Just Playing Along
I guess I probably have not grasped reality just as yet. It still seems a distant dream like how it always used to be. That image of me surrounded by white people in a distant land. The imagery of the situation that has been ever evolving is still taking shape. I still feel the difference in the setting the same way I used to feel about it.
Maybe, I've spent so much time imagining it that my path after this seems so normal. Very natural and neutral. I'm not jumping around in euphoria neither am I sulking about the things I'm about to leave behind. I am still waking up every morning the same way. But reality is, I'm just six weeks away from walking into a whole new world.
Things have changed quite a bit since that day I knew I would be heading there. For the people I meet at the stadium every so often, I've turned from "the average joe" to "the super student-athlete who is going to make the entire athletic community proud come this Fall". The conversations with fellow stadium occupants usually starts from the thought of "why is a young adult doing sprint workouts in complete sporting gear in the stadium when he should be working or studying?" The sense of surprise at my destined path and the joy in their faces has become a common sight when this topic comes up. One guy in particular, always asks me about updates on my journey to the West and probably tells everyone else he meets in my presence about my future undertakings. That face is one to stay in my thoughts for a long long time.
My family members, are also on the same bandwagon of excitement. "When are you leaving?" is the question that zooms across my face in every family gathering. End of my special month. And every time I answer, not only to them but anyone who asks me the same question, I do a little math to count how long I have left. That is probably the only time I get to experince that weird feeling-jitters in my heart and butterflies in my tummy. It's as if I'm ready to catch the plane the very next moment. The urge to fly and fly to an endless place in my dream. That moment when you feel that sense of accomplishment, not because I'm fulfilling my dreams but because of the way my dreams fuel happiness in others. That is accomplishment.
My friends represent a funny cocktail of emotions. Some talk about the days I'll be gone. There will be one less person in every dinner, futsal, basketball or movie outing. There will be one less person to talk to as regularly as now (considering the fact that I am nearing the end of a 9-month break). Some are so excited at the prospect of me leaving. They are always asking me questions about my journey up till now, right from the beginning of A-Levels, and about the next steps in my voyage across the Atlantic and Indian oceans. And then there are those who seem unfazed by the direction I'm heading to now.
I think it is human nature to say cliche lines when a certain situation arises. Everyone seems happy about me leaving and wish me luck. But behind those words lie a world unknown to others but oneself. Being happy for someone else's joy is a requirement today but deep down our well of emotions, we can't stop the fish from trying to show its intent of escaping by jumping out.
I mean, who knows what others think inside. One could be really happy I'm going to a place that he or she had been before. Or even proud of what I am able to accomplish given the policies in our country. Or just plain happy that that good friend of him or her is going there. But, for some people, it's a whole different story. Some might be sad thinking of how they could not do what I was doing even though they had really wanted it at one time. Some could also be envious of the chance I got. Some might also go back in time to rue the chances missed and how their lives would have been a different ball game had they worked harder or been given the chance. And some would think of the days I will be absent.
Throughout my life, especially since those schooling years where I used to daydream a lot, many random people have come up to me and said some really nice words or given sound advice. That certain group of random people seemed to have found something in me for them to express their inner thoughts. For instance, there was this one night a few weeks back when I was at the burger stall near my house, chomping down on a late night snack. The owner, whom I've known for about 9 years now, was happily wishing me luck on my future. And then, he was telling me his story and how things were for him in school and that's why he is where he is now. You could say this was cliche, but you know, sometimes you just know it when people are sincerely happy for you. Probably, that guy was just overwhelmed to hear that "skinny boy who used to buy burgers and chit chat" has grown up is and is on his way into the future.
In a way, it is an amazing experience to go through to hear people saying stuff to you when they are caught by surprise. It's not everyday you hear a boy from your neighborhood going to the West to study. It is probably the words of encouragement from others that keeps reminding me of what I am about to go through pretty soon. I could just wake up tomorrow and jump around in excitement or sit by my bed and reminisce the things I will miss. But then again, probably, my reluctance to get overexcited on this new journey where I will have to sacrifice many things is the main reason I'm just going with the flow. Till that day comes...........
Maybe, I've spent so much time imagining it that my path after this seems so normal. Very natural and neutral. I'm not jumping around in euphoria neither am I sulking about the things I'm about to leave behind. I am still waking up every morning the same way. But reality is, I'm just six weeks away from walking into a whole new world.
Things have changed quite a bit since that day I knew I would be heading there. For the people I meet at the stadium every so often, I've turned from "the average joe" to "the super student-athlete who is going to make the entire athletic community proud come this Fall". The conversations with fellow stadium occupants usually starts from the thought of "why is a young adult doing sprint workouts in complete sporting gear in the stadium when he should be working or studying?" The sense of surprise at my destined path and the joy in their faces has become a common sight when this topic comes up. One guy in particular, always asks me about updates on my journey to the West and probably tells everyone else he meets in my presence about my future undertakings. That face is one to stay in my thoughts for a long long time.
My family members, are also on the same bandwagon of excitement. "When are you leaving?" is the question that zooms across my face in every family gathering. End of my special month. And every time I answer, not only to them but anyone who asks me the same question, I do a little math to count how long I have left. That is probably the only time I get to experince that weird feeling-jitters in my heart and butterflies in my tummy. It's as if I'm ready to catch the plane the very next moment. The urge to fly and fly to an endless place in my dream. That moment when you feel that sense of accomplishment, not because I'm fulfilling my dreams but because of the way my dreams fuel happiness in others. That is accomplishment.
My friends represent a funny cocktail of emotions. Some talk about the days I'll be gone. There will be one less person in every dinner, futsal, basketball or movie outing. There will be one less person to talk to as regularly as now (considering the fact that I am nearing the end of a 9-month break). Some are so excited at the prospect of me leaving. They are always asking me questions about my journey up till now, right from the beginning of A-Levels, and about the next steps in my voyage across the Atlantic and Indian oceans. And then there are those who seem unfazed by the direction I'm heading to now.
I think it is human nature to say cliche lines when a certain situation arises. Everyone seems happy about me leaving and wish me luck. But behind those words lie a world unknown to others but oneself. Being happy for someone else's joy is a requirement today but deep down our well of emotions, we can't stop the fish from trying to show its intent of escaping by jumping out.
I mean, who knows what others think inside. One could be really happy I'm going to a place that he or she had been before. Or even proud of what I am able to accomplish given the policies in our country. Or just plain happy that that good friend of him or her is going there. But, for some people, it's a whole different story. Some might be sad thinking of how they could not do what I was doing even though they had really wanted it at one time. Some could also be envious of the chance I got. Some might also go back in time to rue the chances missed and how their lives would have been a different ball game had they worked harder or been given the chance. And some would think of the days I will be absent.
Throughout my life, especially since those schooling years where I used to daydream a lot, many random people have come up to me and said some really nice words or given sound advice. That certain group of random people seemed to have found something in me for them to express their inner thoughts. For instance, there was this one night a few weeks back when I was at the burger stall near my house, chomping down on a late night snack. The owner, whom I've known for about 9 years now, was happily wishing me luck on my future. And then, he was telling me his story and how things were for him in school and that's why he is where he is now. You could say this was cliche, but you know, sometimes you just know it when people are sincerely happy for you. Probably, that guy was just overwhelmed to hear that "skinny boy who used to buy burgers and chit chat" has grown up is and is on his way into the future.
In a way, it is an amazing experience to go through to hear people saying stuff to you when they are caught by surprise. It's not everyday you hear a boy from your neighborhood going to the West to study. It is probably the words of encouragement from others that keeps reminding me of what I am about to go through pretty soon. I could just wake up tomorrow and jump around in excitement or sit by my bed and reminisce the things I will miss. But then again, probably, my reluctance to get overexcited on this new journey where I will have to sacrifice many things is the main reason I'm just going with the flow. Till that day comes...........
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