I guess I probably have not grasped reality just as yet. It still seems a distant dream like how it always used to be. That image of me surrounded by white people in a distant land. The imagery of the situation that has been ever evolving is still taking shape. I still feel the difference in the setting the same way I used to feel about it.
Maybe, I've spent so much time imagining it that my path after this seems so normal. Very natural and neutral. I'm not jumping around in euphoria neither am I sulking about the things I'm about to leave behind. I am still waking up every morning the same way. But reality is, I'm just six weeks away from walking into a whole new world.
Things have changed quite a bit since that day I knew I would be heading there. For the people I meet at the stadium every so often, I've turned from "the average joe" to "the super student-athlete who is going to make the entire athletic community proud come this Fall". The conversations with fellow stadium occupants usually starts from the thought of "why is a young adult doing sprint workouts in complete sporting gear in the stadium when he should be working or studying?" The sense of surprise at my destined path and the joy in their faces has become a common sight when this topic comes up. One guy in particular, always asks me about updates on my journey to the West and probably tells everyone else he meets in my presence about my future undertakings. That face is one to stay in my thoughts for a long long time.
My family members, are also on the same bandwagon of excitement. "When are you leaving?" is the question that zooms across my face in every family gathering. End of my special month. And every time I answer, not only to them but anyone who asks me the same question, I do a little math to count how long I have left. That is probably the only time I get to experince that weird feeling-jitters in my heart and butterflies in my tummy. It's as if I'm ready to catch the plane the very next moment. The urge to fly and fly to an endless place in my dream. That moment when you feel that sense of accomplishment, not because I'm fulfilling my dreams but because of the way my dreams fuel happiness in others. That is accomplishment.
My friends represent a funny cocktail of emotions. Some talk about the days I'll be gone. There will be one less person in every dinner, futsal, basketball or movie outing. There will be one less person to talk to as regularly as now (considering the fact that I am nearing the end of a 9-month break). Some are so excited at the prospect of me leaving. They are always asking me questions about my journey up till now, right from the beginning of A-Levels, and about the next steps in my voyage across the Atlantic and Indian oceans. And then there are those who seem unfazed by the direction I'm heading to now.
I think it is human nature to say cliche lines when a certain situation arises. Everyone seems happy about me leaving and wish me luck. But behind those words lie a world unknown to others but oneself. Being happy for someone else's joy is a requirement today but deep down our well of emotions, we can't stop the fish from trying to show its intent of escaping by jumping out.
I mean, who knows what others think inside. One could be really happy I'm going to a place that he or she had been before. Or even proud of what I am able to accomplish given the policies in our country. Or just plain happy that that good friend of him or her is going there. But, for some people, it's a whole different story. Some might be sad thinking of how they could not do what I was doing even though they had really wanted it at one time. Some could also be envious of the chance I got. Some might also go back in time to rue the chances missed and how their lives would have been a different ball game had they worked harder or been given the chance. And some would think of the days I will be absent.
Throughout my life, especially since those schooling years where I used to daydream a lot, many random people have come up to me and said some really nice words or given sound advice. That certain group of random people seemed to have found something in me for them to express their inner thoughts. For instance, there was this one night a few weeks back when I was at the burger stall near my house, chomping down on a late night snack. The owner, whom I've known for about 9 years now, was happily wishing me luck on my future. And then, he was telling me his story and how things were for him in school and that's why he is where he is now. You could say this was cliche, but you know, sometimes you just know it when people are sincerely happy for you. Probably, that guy was just overwhelmed to hear that "skinny boy who used to buy burgers and chit chat" has grown up is and is on his way into the future.
In a way, it is an amazing experience to go through to hear people saying stuff to you when they are caught by surprise. It's not everyday you hear a boy from your neighborhood going to the West to study. It is probably the words of encouragement from others that keeps reminding me of what I am about to go through pretty soon. I could just wake up tomorrow and jump around in excitement or sit by my bed and reminisce the things I will miss. But then again, probably, my reluctance to get overexcited on this new journey where I will have to sacrifice many things is the main reason I'm just going with the flow. Till that day comes...........
