My dad came back home with his usual calm composure. However, the news that followed was somewhat unsettling. My grandpa had a mild heart attack. He had been experiencing pain for the past 3 months and never once he told any of his 5 children. But my grandpa being himself, played it down as if it was a common cold in the hospital.
While that news did shock me a little since my grandpa is pretty health conscious, what followed after sent me back to that one question that had been bugging me. In the hospital, a man just passed away and his family were crying around him. His wife, seeing her son's face, knew something was wrong with her husband. In another corner of the hospital, an old man was screaming at the nurses "bring my wife back to life". So much love, so much feelings, so much sadness,but only at the end.
Again and again, it's the same question. I start to wonder if that's the biggest question I will have to face throughout my life. It just keeps repeating like a tape recorder and comes into fray in everyday situations. In the face of losing something, do we do something in favour of us to spend the last moments together as much as possible or do we shy away from it to reduce the pain?
It was a few years back when I one day I thought about the day my mum would leave me forever in the future. The day she passes on, the day she will be no more. I was trying to imagine the stuff that I would miss about her. The way she disturbs me, the small conversations we used to have, all those times she fed me dinner, and the list goes on and on. I felt a sense of longing for her all of a sudden. Pure imaginations conjured up such strong emotions in me. And that day I promised myself that I would do more stuff to shower my love on her while she's still here. But then, something very odd crossed my mind that day. If I slowly stayed away from my mum, would that ease the pain when she is gone? It was a very unorthodox and weird idea but somehow that question stuck to me from that day on.
It is quite something for me to think about everyday, now that I'll be leaving home for the first time pretty soon. Everyday, I look at the simple things around me and ask myself the same question. Should I do it more while I can or should I do it less to ease the loss? Food is a great example to start with, since I'm eating like a giant these days. I love Malaysian food. When I go to university, I'll not be able to get or afford it even if it's there. I think about how much I'm gonna crave my mum's crab curry and the bah kut teh in Pandamaran. I'm gonna miss these food immensely when I'm there. So, should I eat them less frequently and start to change my diet now to ease the transition?
Leave food aside. Time to talk about friends. Honestly, after my immediate family and my grandma, my friends are my everything. I'd probably trust them more than my cousins or uncles and aunties. These buddies have played a huge role throughout my schooling life until now. I remember the last day of high school when I lay on my bed and thought of the fact that I would probably not meet them as frequently any more. We were heading on different paths and I begged that time would just go back a few months (without the exams). It was painful then, but things got better as we occasionally met up and somehow I got used to it. What about after this? Once a year. These people who helped formed the rock foundation of myself are the ones I'm about to leave behind. Is it gonna be more painful now since I'm spending so much time with them? I don't know.
I miss my sister quite a bit now since she's away for her studies. Even though she's just a 2 hour drive away, it isn't the same anymore. It's not the same not disturbing her. If only she could have left for her studies after I left. My brother, I am pretty strict with him at times but no one can take away how much I care for him. I'm gonna miss those times when I could wrestle him down, kick the ball to his face, give him the butt kicks and getting a few myself as well.
And finally, probably the first thing I would cry for before leaving-Rusky. It's been almost 2 years now. Our relationship is just different now. No one else understands him the way I do. His every move, his eye twitches, the very funny scenes when it is time to bathe, the times he asks for belly rubs, the times he wants to lick my face clean, treat time, and those long and eventful walks with him. (I'd probably write a post about him before I leave) It's painful to just leave a boy you nurtured since he was a baby in the arms of people who just don't understand some of his needs. The simple ones, like the rub beneath the snout.
All these things play in my head from time to time. It's difficult I guess for someone like me who's about to grow out of his home and into the real world. And, how painful is it going to be to leave all these behind and go? Only time would tell. When time was going to tell the story, is it worth frowning and waiting? One day, I made up my mind.
I am going to spend as much time with my mum while I'm here and make her happy because she will also be losing her trustworthy child to the outside world, even if it meant sitting with her to watch her lame tv shows. I am going to binge on all the wonderful food here without leaving anything to miss later. I am going to make sacrifices from my schedule to meet up with my friends, even if it means I'll be dead tired by the end of the day or on my rest days. I am going to play with my brother on certain evenings and probably catch up with a game of FIFA on Play Station. And I'll probably try to hang out with my sis and bro when my sis is at home. And definitely I'm gonna do as much as possible for Rusky so that he gets to have a lot of fun before he loses a huge chunk of that when I'm gone.
And what happens after that? I'll probably break down when it's time to leave. I think I've grown mature enough to live through these memories and keep them to myself for the future. I have learnt to live with the sadness and move on, because at some point in time, I realized that so many great moments were enclosed in that sadness and to not feel sad would be a great loss of memories of all the fun times. So, right now, it's time to throw away all the speculation and live life to the fullest during the next two and a half months. Anyway, when time himself volunteered to tell the story, why wait for him as he takes away those memories that could be? As the countdown begins, I'm gonna run and run and chase each and every one down!
