It all started with smiles. Never once had I thought that it would end up like this. I still remember the first time I met her and it was during Form 3. She was new to the prefect board and her senior asked her to look for me to tell her what to do if she was put in charge of the block.That was almost 3 years ago.
Our friendship grew unexpectedly. It all continued with smiles whenever me met each other. We rarely spoke but we were just friends. Then, I felt like I had a crush on her. It just happened like that. I don't know how or why. I was pretty cool with it because I knew it would go off after some time.
I don't know how but Tim found out about it. So, when he asked me, I told him that it was just a crush and it was long over. However, that wasn't the true story. I still had a crush on her that time. As time flew by, things weren't changing much.
I still remember how the coincidence of the both of us being put in the same class in Form 4 when I got separated from all my other friends made me think that fate brought us together. At that time, I was still thinking that the feelings were going to go off very soon. I still remember telling myself "It's just an attraction, not love" whenever I thought about her.
At the same time, one of my friends started a rumour about me liking her. I was totally taken by surprise because on one side it was true but on the other side, I've not told anyone except Tim. And I had already denied it when Tim asked me. I was sure Tim wouldn't have done such a thing. My friend who started it just did it out of boredom I guess.
Again, I was under the perception that fate was doing this to bring us together. She didn't like all the teasing we got. I was kinda used to it because my friends had always loved picking on me. After some time, I finally gave up denying and told myself that I was in love with her.
She was a very good friend to me. She helped me a lot in reminding me about stuff and advising me on certain things. I did advise her on certain things as well. It was going on pretty great for us as friends.
The most significant role that she has played in my life so far is that she was the reason I shaped so many principles in my life. I can't explain what they are because they are very personal to me. You can call them the principles of my life. She taught me a few -maybe a lot- of good values in life.She also made me realise the mistakes I was doing.
Over time, I was pretty much into her. When I asked her, she said its better if we be best friends. I respected and still do respect her decision. I was, let's say, heartbroken. I was kinda lost. That night, I couldn't sleep well. It took me an hour to finally give up thinking and let my tiredness take over.
Today morning, I woke up with one question in my mind-What's next? For a moment, I couldn't think of anything. I lied down thinking of how will my life be after this. First thing, I'm going to go for outings with my friends. Then, I need to see a doctor to check out on my injury which has been nagging me for about a year. I'm not sure if I'm going to need a surgery.
If my injury heals fast, I'm going to get back into full swing training. I've also decided to look for options to leave the country for some time,maybe through a student exchange programme. I have to find out info and tell my parents- and that will only happen if I really really can't continue training for some time.
Today, when I look back at everything that has happened, I realised that I've misinterpreted many things. I regret doing so because it has brought me into such a state that I find it very hard to move on. It's because I'm the loyal kind of guy who would never change his love like changing clothes.
My advice to you, be careful on how you interpret something in life, especially in relationships. I'm still learning from my mistake. It'll take time for my feelings to go away. And it'll be really difficult for me to fall for another girl because I don't know when to believe and trust and when to not.
And to that special person, I have to thank her a lot for everything that she has done for me. I really appreciated it. I'll still treat her like my good friend (as I've always done) but I'll have to stop asking her for advice and inspiration because that would just bring back memories of my past. Now, I'll just have to find back the meaning of my life.....................
P.S. To my friends who are reading this, I hope you will just keep any comments to yourself and not discuss this with others. I wrote this post to store my memories and to advise others not to take the wrong path like me
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
When The Very Happy Meets The Very Sad
I turned and turned around in bed but sleep just didn't want to visit me. I picked up the phone to check the time. 4.26 a.m. I still had a hour to go before I should start getting ready for school. I tried to close my eyes tightly to induce sleep but my efforts came to no avail.
My nightmare was haunting me-the nightmare I had been dreaming of since I saw for the first time a batch of Form 5 students leaving the school.And I knew that this day was going to be that dreadful day.
I took a quick shower, gulped down my breakfast, and continued reading my Biology notes. Somehow, I just didn't have a good feeling about that subject's exam that day as I had not completely read my intensive notes. I ran across each page and managed to read them completely. However, that feeling was still there.
I reached school and greeted my wonderful friends with my smile. Everyone was so focused on Biology but my mind was running elsewhere. I told them that this day would be the saddest day of my life up to date. They smiled back, with signs of sadness in their eyes as well.
So, things proceeded and we sat for the Biology Paper 1. It was good. After that, my friends and I rushed to return our textbooks to school. We had a great laugh. I caught a glance of endless clouds and asked myself, "Did this day really have to come this fast?"
Next up was paper 2. The essay was a bit of a problem but I managed to crap something especially for the question that asked about thalassaemia. After that, as usual, it was lunch time. We decided to eat quickly and return to read up on some Biology experiments. But when we returned to school, that dream just didn't materialise.
Everyone knew what we were facing. It was practically the last day of our schooling life. Although I still have one more exam to take, less than half of my close group of friends will be taking that exam. We ended up making jokes and laughing around that it caught the attention of many. One of my friends said this jokingly, "Everyone studying for bio but there's one f***er up there (i was upstairs) who is so relaxed". If only he had realised the mixed emotions creating havoc in my heart.
Paper 3 was much better than paper 2. As the clock ticked by, everyone was thinking about enjoying and freedom. It was like we were getting our own Independence. It was a great feeling. I couldn't stay in my chair for long. I went to the toilet twice in ten minutes just to take a look of all those people who had left their exam rooms earlier to enjoy.
As the teacher said "time's up" and started collecting the paper, everyone was already smiling. As she took my paper, I stood up and snapped a photo of my exam class with most of my classmates still in their seats. Then, I quickly rushed out to get my extra school shirt form my bag. I asked my classmates to sign on the front as I had dedicated the back portion to my Prodigy members.
I waved loud goodbyes to my friends. I might never meet them after this. I folded my shirt neatly into my bag and rushed to meet up with my close friends. Firecrackers burst as we left the school compound. The teachers were angry but no one had any proof of who lit up the firecrackers.
Then, as the students went back home one by one, sometimes in droves, my friends and I had our last bonding session. We took funny videos first. I think all of us were indeed trying to hide our feelings. Then, as we were about to go back, we made our first and last sad video in school uniforms.
You can check out the video when I post it on facebook. Honestly, I felt like crying. I tried holding back my tears as much as I could by conjuring up simple smiles and short laughter. Once the video was done, we hugged each other for one last time and set off on our way back home at around 5 p.m.
I sat at the the overhead bridge reminiscing about the 5 great years I had had in school. I took out the autographed shirt to see what my friends had written. Many wrote "good luck" and "love you" with smileys. I just don't know how to put my feelings that day into words. It was like there was something empty in my heart.
I wonder how my future is going to be. I'm 100% confident that I'll never get friends like the ones I have know in the future. Everyone is acting so matured these days. We were a total opposite and we enjoyed living that way. We made the silliest jokes and did the most outrageous things that students could have done in school.
School life is school life. It's a part of life that most people go through. I use to wonder how the Form 5s before me could walk out so happily on their last day of school. Now, I know the answers. Their joy of finishing the burdening SPM examination overshadowed their bonding with their friends. In my case, my bonding with my friends just overpowered everything else.......
My nightmare was haunting me-the nightmare I had been dreaming of since I saw for the first time a batch of Form 5 students leaving the school.And I knew that this day was going to be that dreadful day.
I took a quick shower, gulped down my breakfast, and continued reading my Biology notes. Somehow, I just didn't have a good feeling about that subject's exam that day as I had not completely read my intensive notes. I ran across each page and managed to read them completely. However, that feeling was still there.
I reached school and greeted my wonderful friends with my smile. Everyone was so focused on Biology but my mind was running elsewhere. I told them that this day would be the saddest day of my life up to date. They smiled back, with signs of sadness in their eyes as well.
So, things proceeded and we sat for the Biology Paper 1. It was good. After that, my friends and I rushed to return our textbooks to school. We had a great laugh. I caught a glance of endless clouds and asked myself, "Did this day really have to come this fast?"
Next up was paper 2. The essay was a bit of a problem but I managed to crap something especially for the question that asked about thalassaemia. After that, as usual, it was lunch time. We decided to eat quickly and return to read up on some Biology experiments. But when we returned to school, that dream just didn't materialise.
Everyone knew what we were facing. It was practically the last day of our schooling life. Although I still have one more exam to take, less than half of my close group of friends will be taking that exam. We ended up making jokes and laughing around that it caught the attention of many. One of my friends said this jokingly, "Everyone studying for bio but there's one f***er up there (i was upstairs) who is so relaxed". If only he had realised the mixed emotions creating havoc in my heart.
Paper 3 was much better than paper 2. As the clock ticked by, everyone was thinking about enjoying and freedom. It was like we were getting our own Independence. It was a great feeling. I couldn't stay in my chair for long. I went to the toilet twice in ten minutes just to take a look of all those people who had left their exam rooms earlier to enjoy.
As the teacher said "time's up" and started collecting the paper, everyone was already smiling. As she took my paper, I stood up and snapped a photo of my exam class with most of my classmates still in their seats. Then, I quickly rushed out to get my extra school shirt form my bag. I asked my classmates to sign on the front as I had dedicated the back portion to my Prodigy members.
I waved loud goodbyes to my friends. I might never meet them after this. I folded my shirt neatly into my bag and rushed to meet up with my close friends. Firecrackers burst as we left the school compound. The teachers were angry but no one had any proof of who lit up the firecrackers.
Then, as the students went back home one by one, sometimes in droves, my friends and I had our last bonding session. We took funny videos first. I think all of us were indeed trying to hide our feelings. Then, as we were about to go back, we made our first and last sad video in school uniforms.
You can check out the video when I post it on facebook. Honestly, I felt like crying. I tried holding back my tears as much as I could by conjuring up simple smiles and short laughter. Once the video was done, we hugged each other for one last time and set off on our way back home at around 5 p.m.
I sat at the the overhead bridge reminiscing about the 5 great years I had had in school. I took out the autographed shirt to see what my friends had written. Many wrote "good luck" and "love you" with smileys. I just don't know how to put my feelings that day into words. It was like there was something empty in my heart.
I wonder how my future is going to be. I'm 100% confident that I'll never get friends like the ones I have know in the future. Everyone is acting so matured these days. We were a total opposite and we enjoyed living that way. We made the silliest jokes and did the most outrageous things that students could have done in school.
School life is school life. It's a part of life that most people go through. I use to wonder how the Form 5s before me could walk out so happily on their last day of school. Now, I know the answers. Their joy of finishing the burdening SPM examination overshadowed their bonding with their friends. In my case, my bonding with my friends just overpowered everything else.......
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