My Very First Winter Break: Part 1

Yeah, I definitely needed this break from the cold walks to class and pretty much every where else outside my dorm. Guys, winter is not fun. Coming from a hot and humid place like Malaysia, we Malaysians tend to think that the cold weather and snow will be the manifestation of our virtual utopia. But, once you start feeling the chilling winds brushing past your ears, you'll know why Winter sucks.

Anyway, I had a month off and had nothing planned out. And then, one day while having lunch in the dining hall, Jessica invited me over to her place in Long Island, New York for the break. I was ecstatic because I had never been to New York prior to that and I have always wanted to the the Times Square and the Statue of Liberty.

The drive was boring because there were pretty much just trees all around us. Oh yeah, talking about the drive. Yup, I got a free ride to NY because Jessica's boyfriend dropped by from Buffalo to pick her up and go to Long Island, and I got a free ride!

Nightfall was approaching when I finally saw some signs of the city. In the distance, I could see a few planes hovering around city. To me, it seemed like a few choppers were hovering around to shoot Godzilla or something. Jessica then told me that those planes are actually waiting to land in the world's busiest airport, The John F. Kennedy airport in New York City. That's crazy.

And finally, after a 5 hour drive, we reached Jessica's house. And, that was the start of my food fiesta. Jessica's parents own a Chinese restaurant, and they live above it. Usually, when Jessica visits them during the breaks, they cook awesome pawsome Malaysian food for her. This time, I was there for a share of it too. I mean, when you're starved of tasty food for months and then showered with amazing Malaysian food, you have to be in seventh heaven. It was so satisfying.

Well, the initial plan was for me to stay at their place until their family decides to go for a family trip. Jessica told me that I would be able to stay at her place for maybe a week or two. But the next day, Jessica had to move me to her uncle's place in Flushing because her relatives from Malaysia were visiting and there wasn't enough rooms at her place. And then, she told me that her family was planning to go for the trip in 2 days. Well, I had to leave New York so much sooner than expected. Yeah, it was kinda messed up, and I was a little disappointed, but I wasn't going to complain because Jessica was kind enough to invite me to her place in the first place. So, I immediately booked a ticket to Connecticut to visit my mum's friend the next day.

That night, Jessica and her boyfriend sent me to her uncle's place in Flushing. Again, I was showered with an awesome lunch before I left Jessica's place. Her mum also packed some sushi (yes, they also have sushi at the restaurant) for dinner. Food wise, I was extremely happy. Travelling wise, not so much. YET.

Jessica's uncle and I had a good conversation over dinner about Malaysia and especially about our hometown because we come from pretty much the same place. After we were done with the sushi, his uncle offered to take me to Flushing town.

Well, Flushing is as Chinese as a Chinatown can get in America. Even some of their road signs are in Chinese. You can get anything East Asian in Flushing. Malaysian food? There are 4 Malaysian restaurants (Sadly, because of my short stay, I couldn't try any of those). So, once we got down from the bus, he gave me his monthly pass and told me to go wherever I wanted to and get back to his place any time I wanted.

So, I just started a slow walk along the streets as Jessica's uncle went somewhere to join his group of friends. I was starting to become bored because there was pretty much nothing that I could do other than eat. And then, I found exactly what I was hoping to see. The Flushing subway station!

I went into the station and ran my fingers over the map. It took me a while but I eventually found the station that I was looking for. And, it was a direct train from Flushing. It was a sudden decision, a sudden burst of adrenaline, and sudden prompt in my head. It was time to do Jessica's uncles kindness some justice.

Well, he gave me his monthly pass for a reason. One tap/swipe/insertion (I can't recall) of the pass and I was on the way to the city that never sleeps. For the first time in my life, I was on a NY Subway, something that I had only seen on television prior to that ride. As the subway snaked it's way towards the city, I could make out the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building. I can clearly remember that of those buildings were lit in pink that night. A few minutes later, the automated voice announced "Times Square".

The subway station itself was filled with street performers and interested onlookers but I wasn't there that night for that. I found the right exit and made my way up the stairs. The moment I stepped outside, I knew I was there.

Lights, huge neon billboards on all four sides, throngs of excited people, gigantic buildings, police horses, street performers, half-naked santa claus despite the freezing temperature, guy asking for donation to buy weed, H&M tower, huge movie posters, Broadway shows, more lights, The Stairs where Spidey fought Electro and just the atmosphere. There was something to see, something happening at every corner I could see. So, this is it. Finally, I was there at the infamous New York Times Square.

I tried to soak in the atmosphere but it was just insane. There were a bazillion things happening there that night even though the temperature was 0 degree Celcius. I took tons of pictures of the different buildings. After sometime, I decided to put away my phone and just embrace the ambiance in the air.

While I was there, I got a call from Jessica. Oh yeah, Jessica was supposed to bring me to Times Square the next day before I left for Connecticut. Thank heavens I impulsively and intuitively decided to make the trip to Times Square that night. She called to tell me that she had to leave for Buffalo that night because she just received an email regarding her permanent status application. So, she was actually planning to pick me up from her uncle's place and take me to Times Square that night to make up for her busy schedule. Since I was already there, she joined me in Times Square.

After some New York pizza, we walked to Bryant Park. There was an open ice skating rink there but it was closed. Well, the whole place was closed off because it was kinda late into the night. But, that didn't stop us from sneaking in and getting some pics with the beautiful decoration. And then, Jessica said goodbye and I took the subway back to Flushing.

The next morning, before leaving Flushing, Jessica's uncle made me some delicious wan tan mee. That was my first wan tan mee in months and it kinda reminded me of home. Jessica's uncle's humble and caring nature reminded me so much of home.

Regrets? Well, I was disappointed that I missed out on Central Park and the Statue of Liberty. They were all just a few subway stations away, but I didn't have the time. But, I knew that I was definitely coming back some time in the future to see other parts of New York. Times Square was a great start to more adventures in the Big Apple. Now, it was time for a homely Connecticut adventure!



 

It's Definitely A New Year This Time

Honestly, I can't remember when was the last time I wrote a blog post on a happy note. I tried scrolling and scrolling and couldn't find a single blog post which had a happy story. All I did was just write down what I thought about deep inside, but that was it, I was probably just sad and confused inside.

It has been quite a ride since I felt high school. All that emotional roller coaster throughout heartbreaks and changing environments and changing people left my emotions questioning myself. What am I even doing?

It's New Year' Eve. It's time to make a resolution for the year ahead. I'm just sitting there in the shady room reflecting about the year that passed. It was just, I don't know. All I see is my emotions being confused.

I definitely had quite a bit of fun as  19 year old teenager. I my wonderful friends accompany me throughout the 8 months I was away from studying. I played tons of sports and spent tons of energy on the track. I spent so much quality time with my family and especially Rusky. I lost my virginity. I came to college in America, the country of dreams. There are many other small events along the way that were really enjoyable.But when I sat down reflecting on the past year, all I saw was the negative emotions that concluded my year.

My high school crush and I got together for about a month. Somehow, it sparked only when we were thousands of miles apart. That was memorable. That one month, we told each other everything that we thought about each other. I can't believe I actually got the chance to tell her all my high school fantasies about her. Well, she eventually got really busy with college and thought it would be better to just call it off. It was a little devastating, but I lived with it.

I left home for the first time in my life, in the name of stepping foot on America. I missed home food a little. I missed the family moments a lot more, especially on the special occasions. I missed my dog like hell. I still tear a little from time to time when I think about him, but not as much as I used to.

I lost a friend I knew very well. I spent so much time with her during my time back home. I cared for her so much, I don't know why. But during the 4 months that I was here, she just changed into someone I didn't understand at all. Her med school work and boyfriend and what not just made her into something else. She said some really hurtful things. I usually forgive her, but she's still that unknown person. I didn't believe that meme I used to see on facebook on "not knowing the person whom you spent a lot of time with a few months back" would actually be true, until now.

One of the turning points that told me I need to change was during Christmas. My friend back home was hosting a Christmas party. All I wanted was to be on skype with them during the entire party. Well, we did skype for a while but I was expecting to be there on skype the entire way. They said it was inconvenient and I just gave a excuse that I needed to sleep and ended the call. I was sad that I'm missing another moment here with my friends. But, my friends didn't seem to feel that way. I trusted their intuition more than mine. Something about me needs to change.

On New Year's Eve, I finally figured it out. I knew why I was feeling not right. I knew what was missing. I knew what was holding me back. I knew what was restraining me from doing what I really loved doing.

I was living with my mind in the past. I was always thinking about what should have been and what could have been. I spent my entire first semester in college thinking about things at home. I always thought about my family and friends at home. My mind was all filled with what was happening at home. At the end, I just wasn't living my life.

I knew I needed to change. I need to live in the present, not the past or the future. I made up my mind. I was definitely going down a different road this time. Not the same mistake again. A new path this time.

The first thing I did was to stop scrolling Facebook and Instagram. I realized that I was so hooked up on those social media sites because I wanted to know what was happening to everyone else at home. I needed to stop living in the past, looking at their lives. Why not use that time and energy to do something that I've always wanted to do.

Surprisingly, that has been one of the most observable life changing thing I've done so far. I'm sure some people might be scoffing at how childish this move sounds, but no one else knows what I've gone through the last week. It's difficult to put it in words.

For a start, my feelings and conscience feels lighter. I feel like a burden has been lifted off me. Something that was holding me back from living my life is not there anymore. I feel alone and free. I don't feel tied to the people around me. I feel like I can go out there and explore.

All of a sudden, I feel in control of my life. I've got good focus on what I want to achieve. I'm managing time well, charting my schedule to be filled with different things. My head somehow feels lighter. The world is at my feet now. I'm making great plans to explore the outside world.

And, for the first time in a while, I feel like I can fall in love again. I think that closure with my high school crush couldn't have come at a better time. She and that best friend (who changed) have given me a clear picture of how to navigate through girls and what kind of a girl I really want in life.

It's that nice feeling inside me. I don't really know how to say it out loud. That feeling when you know there's someone out there waiting for you. Liberating myself from the feelings attached to my high school crush has given me a sense of hope.

I see other girls so differently these days. I finally get to see how pretty they actually look. I finally feel like socializing and flirting. I feel like I should ask girls out for dinners and movies. I'm glad I'm finally able to willingly go forth and enjoy these pastures of American college life.

So, why only Facebook and Instagram? That was just a choice I made considering how those two were affecting my life. I still use Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp and Skype so that I can keep in touch with my family and friends.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still excited to go home. I wanna meet my family. I wanna play basketball with my friends. I wanna say hi to my coach. I wanna run under the scorching Malaysian sun. And, most importantly, I wanna meet Rusky.

Rusky is still waiting for me back home. He still looks at the staircase when my mum calls out my name. He's still waiting for me to come down the stairs and take him for a run. He's still waiting for me to play wrestling and ball. Whenever I think of the flight I'll board back home in 4 months, the first image I see is that of Rusky running up to me at the gate.

The feeling towards home is different now. It's not like it used to be. I miss home, but in a totally different way. I wanna enjoy the comforts of home, but I'm gonna keep that aside for 4 months. I'm ready to live my life here. I'm finally ready to accept America as my home away from home....