The Only Bright Spark

I walked back into my cradle of happiness. This is the place where it all started, the formation of an awesome group of friends called Prodigy. The place where a lot of interesting, astonishing, outrageous, mind-blowing (you can name it all and it won't end) things happened.

It was supposed to be a surprise for 3 of my friends who were studying in my previous school. And a good surprise it was. The 4 Taylorians among Prodigy were free today as there was a training conducted for teachers in college. So, we knew that this would be the best oppurtunity to visit our school on a schooling day.

We walked in wearing our school sports T-shirts just so that we could blend in with the students. What made our plan better was that the Form 3 students were arranging the tables in their classes for the PMR examinations. So, every other kid was wearing a shirt identical to ours.

The first thing that took me by surprise was that the teachers didn't really recognize us. I guess the effect of having long hair and piercings didn't overpower the effect of the school sports T-shirt. Well, so we just made our way to the Form 6 block where we thought our friends would be studying. We walked past each class but our friends were no where to be found.

The thought that they might have not gone to school because of their trials next week hit us like a bullet. We then decided to look for them in the Science labs. Again, we were left disappointed. We tried asking a friend but he wasn't of much help either.

We didn't want to call our friends as it would have spoiled the surprise. So, we decided to give it one more try and headed to the Form 6  block again. We climbed to the top most floor, even looking for their names in the duty roster of certain classes which were empty. Our last resort was to ask my former class teacher, who was surprisingly teaching Mathematics for Form 6 students, if she knew anything about my friends' class.

As we were looking down from the 3rd floor, we suddenly saw our friends whom we came to meet. Apparently, they had found out about us in school because the guy that we had asked for info for earlier told them that Prodigy members were in school.

The feeling that I felt at that moment when we meet each other is something I can't explain in words. It was such a great moment of reunion in the place where we left a legacy. I can bet that no one would have ever lighted firecrackers inside the school compound, climbed up walls, jump from buildings, and spray the school buildings and take photographs with our masterpiece in it. We left a legacy, no doubt about that.

After that, we planned to go out for lunch. So, my friends wanted to come out earlier from their classes. While waiting for their chemistry class to end, we from Taylor's decided to visit our school teachers. I'm still quite astonished that my own class teacher during the last 2 years of my secondary school life couldn't recognize me. When she saw us for the first time, she talked to the other guys but didn't even look at me. That's why, I decided to visit her first in the staff room to to tell her that I'm the student she taught for 2 years. When she saw me, she said "oh, it was you". I just laughed.

After lunch, we decided to play basketball in the field nearby one of our friend's house. It was 1 in the afternoon but we still stuck to the plan as it wasn't very hot and we rarely get chances to meet each other. It was fun for me although I didn't really move much because of my leg injury. I was just basically walking around. After that, they played football while I became the referee for the match (how pathetic....but I didn't mind).

Then, it started raining. We decided to stop playing but no one seemed intent on going back except for a friend who had a complicated issue. We were just sitting there and talking about how's things going on in our lives and some funny topics. I guess I was the only one with emo stories about how I hated my class.

My life now just sucks. Nothing is going my way. For the first time in my life, I feel so lifeless. It was that period of about a month last year that I lost everything, everything except my friends. My life is in disarray now.

To be honest, I'll get straight to the point. I'm undergoing mild depression. I've read so many articles recently and it all the symptoms I'm having now points to depression. The feeling of irritability, the prolonged sadness, the loss of appetite, loss of concentration and just about everything else. I've read that if depression gets too serious, I might get thoughts of suicide. I'm worried about that and I'm trying my level best to not get there.

I've considered so many options. Time and time again, I think about going for consultation in the counselling centre in college. But, how will they ever understand how I'm feeling? Only people close to me would understand it. It would be difficult for me to explain to people who barely know me about my problem.

My parents have been my biggest letdown. I don't know if you know the feeling but being letdown by your own parents when it concerns the thing that matters most to you is really depressing. They seem to not care of my condition. I've told a few friends about it. I'm fed up of trying to explain to them about my leg injury. There are too many things to state here about them.

It's embarrassing but I don't care anymore. I feel so depressed at times that I sit in the room and cry. I keep on asking myself what more can I do as I've tried everything I can think of. I feel so helpless at times. I feel confused because I don't know what to do.

Everyday, I smile and laugh like any other boy. But, actually, I'm trying my best to feel happy, to take my mind away from things. I'm not even entirely happy at college. I always try to initiate conversations with my chinese-speaking classmates but I'm fed up with that. Once I'm done with college, the emptiness and confused feelings follow me again on my long journey back home.

It sucks to think that bad luck hit me at the wrong time in life. I was at the peak that time. When I was training in Bukit Jalil at the end of Form 4, a few weeks after I got my injury, the coach there told me that I would be able to run 50 seconds come March if I continued to train the way I did. However, because of that injury and an additional 2 to my quadriceps, everything was ruined the. Nowadays, so many people look down on my struggle to recovery.

It sucks you know, seriously. My life has never been like this. Everyday, I look for inspiration to continue working hard. Most of the time, I get it from random strangers. The only thing that still keeps me going is my will power. That desire to achieve my goals is still burning inside me. But, that desire is slowly but surely eating my life away.

That's why I need my friends. They have been the only bright spark in my life for a long time. I feel happy when I'm with them because I can take my mind of all the struggles I'm facing in life. They constantly fill up my empty life. That's why I feel quite sad whenever I want to go back home after an outing with friends. They truly mean a lot to me.

These are difficult times for me but I know that I have to work hard to recover quickly. Whatever that has happened to me so far, I only blame myself. This is my struggle and I just have to keep going......

P.S. The blogger would like to apologize for turning this supposedly happy blog post into an emotional one. He feels that his blog is one of the only places where he can say anything he wants and he really needed an outlet to release some of his burden.....