Dark Clouds That Follow

"Wake up. It's already 5.10"

I open my eyes slowly as the light from the hall breaches my tired pupils which was derived of sleep. I see something different in the distance, something unfamiliar. A black spot with pieces of wood hanging by a few pieces of wood. Next moment, a bullet train hit me.

The memory of what happened hours ago returned. I lived through the horrifying experience again, from the screams to the part where I was tied. The horrifying screams in my head virtually broke the silence of pre-dawn. I was up awake as if I never slept.

I mustered my way out of bed. A few steps later, I saw the image again-two guys wearing black clothes and blue masks running up the staircase. That feeling of sudden heart stop hit me again. I shrugged it off and took another few steps to the bathroom.

Hot water flowed over my face. The feeling of emotionless was still there. The screams kept playing in my head. Soon, I realized that I was taking too long in the shower. After bathing I went downstairs for breakfast. Gloominess still filled the aura at home and there was constant worry.

I let my eyes pierce the little freckles of light which made it's way through some parts of the wooden front door to check for any movements. Still and sound. I put on my shoes and made my way out of the house to my father's car. A car passed by. I looked at the car till it passed by my house, out of suspicion. Thank God, nothing happened.

I sat there by the chair and saw no train was anywhere to be seen. I had to take the train that day as my father decided to stay home. As my eyes looked at the early streaks of sunlight breaching the dark sky, my thoughts flew to the incident again. The whole event just played in my head like I'd just seen it.

In the train, one of my friends sat beside me. I told him the story as detailed as I could as the event was still fresh in my head. He, who understood my feelings, decided to give me my moment of silence after I regurgitated the event for him.

I reached college in gloomy mood. I had a Further Maths test that day. Even at home, I was thinking about telling my teacher that I didn't want to take the test. My classmates recognized my drastic change in mood. They only received words of denial from me. I wasn't ready to tell them.

Somehow, I didn't have the strength to tell my teacher about the test and I just decided to take it. First half an hour, I barely completed anything, even the simple proving mathematical equations questions. Somehow, in the second half an hour, my brain started working a little. As soon as the test was over, I headed over to the music chamber to meet my friend who was having a jamming session there.

I told him the story, living through the experience again, especially the screams. I got my subway sandwich and settled to watch my friend play with his friends. After I was done, my friend and I got a pair of drumsticks and I simply beat the drums to shrug off the traumatizing feeling. I went to class 20 minutes late but without a single pinch of regret as I my head felt lighter after the jamming session. I revealed the whole story to my classmates later.

After college, I headed straight to the Canadian Pre-U building to play table tennis with my friends( The one's whose SAM final exams had ended). Another great way to feel better. Then, as my other friends joined us, I retold the story. At times, the shrieks during the robbery played in my head again, making me to stop momentarily.

I reached home. HOME isn't a suitable word to use now. Home seemed so different. Everything was all closed up. The gate and door were locked even though everyone else was at home. Waiting in front of the gate, instinct told me to look around to see if there was anything suspicious. Every step had to be followed by a moment of cautiousness.

Once inside, we were disconnected-physically-from the outside world. It had never been like this before. All this while, the cool evening breeze together with the warmth of the setting Sun would fill the hall. Now, it's all gloomy inside. Sometimes, I equate it with staying in jail, all trapped up.

Every single day, I think of what I could have done during the robbery. What would have happened if I was in a different place, what if I had fought back, what if I got out of the room I was tied in to take a look at the number plate of the car that ferried the robbers, what if I had observed the guys a little more, what if I had switched on the recorder in my phone so that I could record their voices, what if, what if...........

Sometimes, when my thoughts fly, I ask myself how come my life has changed so much from last year. It's such a drastic change that living with it everyday can be a burden by itself. Every single day, I pick up the pieces of my sorrow just to tell myself to move on. Sometimes, even that is not enough.........