Honestly, I can't remember when was the last time I wrote a blog post on a happy note. I tried scrolling and scrolling and couldn't find a single blog post which had a happy story. All I did was just write down what I thought about deep inside, but that was it, I was probably just sad and confused inside.
It has been quite a ride since I felt high school. All that emotional roller coaster throughout heartbreaks and changing environments and changing people left my emotions questioning myself. What am I even doing?
It's New Year' Eve. It's time to make a resolution for the year ahead. I'm just sitting there in the shady room reflecting about the year that passed. It was just, I don't know. All I see is my emotions being confused.
I definitely had quite a bit of fun as 19 year old teenager. I my wonderful friends accompany me throughout the 8 months I was away from studying. I played tons of sports and spent tons of energy on the track. I spent so much quality time with my family and especially Rusky. I lost my virginity. I came to college in America, the country of dreams. There are many other small events along the way that were really enjoyable.But when I sat down reflecting on the past year, all I saw was the negative emotions that concluded my year.
My high school crush and I got together for about a month. Somehow, it sparked only when we were thousands of miles apart. That was memorable. That one month, we told each other everything that we thought about each other. I can't believe I actually got the chance to tell her all my high school fantasies about her. Well, she eventually got really busy with college and thought it would be better to just call it off. It was a little devastating, but I lived with it.
I left home for the first time in my life, in the name of stepping foot on America. I missed home food a little. I missed the family moments a lot more, especially on the special occasions. I missed my dog like hell. I still tear a little from time to time when I think about him, but not as much as I used to.
I lost a friend I knew very well. I spent so much time with her during my time back home. I cared for her so much, I don't know why. But during the 4 months that I was here, she just changed into someone I didn't understand at all. Her med school work and boyfriend and what not just made her into something else. She said some really hurtful things. I usually forgive her, but she's still that unknown person. I didn't believe that meme I used to see on facebook on "not knowing the person whom you spent a lot of time with a few months back" would actually be true, until now.
One of the turning points that told me I need to change was during Christmas. My friend back home was hosting a Christmas party. All I wanted was to be on skype with them during the entire party. Well, we did skype for a while but I was expecting to be there on skype the entire way. They said it was inconvenient and I just gave a excuse that I needed to sleep and ended the call. I was sad that I'm missing another moment here with my friends. But, my friends didn't seem to feel that way. I trusted their intuition more than mine. Something about me needs to change.
On New Year's Eve, I finally figured it out. I knew why I was feeling not right. I knew what was missing. I knew what was holding me back. I knew what was restraining me from doing what I really loved doing.
I was living with my mind in the past. I was always thinking about what should have been and what could have been. I spent my entire first semester in college thinking about things at home. I always thought about my family and friends at home. My mind was all filled with what was happening at home. At the end, I just wasn't living my life.
I knew I needed to change. I need to live in the present, not the past or the future. I made up my mind. I was definitely going down a different road this time. Not the same mistake again. A new path this time.
The first thing I did was to stop scrolling Facebook and Instagram. I realized that I was so hooked up on those social media sites because I wanted to know what was happening to everyone else at home. I needed to stop living in the past, looking at their lives. Why not use that time and energy to do something that I've always wanted to do.
Surprisingly, that has been one of the most observable life changing thing I've done so far. I'm sure some people might be scoffing at how childish this move sounds, but no one else knows what I've gone through the last week. It's difficult to put it in words.
For a start, my feelings and conscience feels lighter. I feel like a burden has been lifted off me. Something that was holding me back from living my life is not there anymore. I feel alone and free. I don't feel tied to the people around me. I feel like I can go out there and explore.
All of a sudden, I feel in control of my life. I've got good focus on what I want to achieve. I'm managing time well, charting my schedule to be filled with different things. My head somehow feels lighter. The world is at my feet now. I'm making great plans to explore the outside world.
And, for the first time in a while, I feel like I can fall in love again. I think that closure with my high school crush couldn't have come at a better time. She and that best friend (who changed) have given me a clear picture of how to navigate through girls and what kind of a girl I really want in life.
It's that nice feeling inside me. I don't really know how to say it out loud. That feeling when you know there's someone out there waiting for you. Liberating myself from the feelings attached to my high school crush has given me a sense of hope.
I see other girls so differently these days. I finally get to see how pretty they actually look. I finally feel like socializing and flirting. I feel like I should ask girls out for dinners and movies. I'm glad I'm finally able to willingly go forth and enjoy these pastures of American college life.
So, why only Facebook and Instagram? That was just a choice I made considering how those two were affecting my life. I still use Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp and Skype so that I can keep in touch with my family and friends.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still excited to go home. I wanna meet my family. I wanna play basketball with my friends. I wanna say hi to my coach. I wanna run under the scorching Malaysian sun. And, most importantly, I wanna meet Rusky.
Rusky is still waiting for me back home. He still looks at the staircase when my mum calls out my name. He's still waiting for me to come down the stairs and take him for a run. He's still waiting for me to play wrestling and ball. Whenever I think of the flight I'll board back home in 4 months, the first image I see is that of Rusky running up to me at the gate.
The feeling towards home is different now. It's not like it used to be. I miss home, but in a totally different way. I wanna enjoy the comforts of home, but I'm gonna keep that aside for 4 months. I'm ready to live my life here. I'm finally ready to accept America as my home away from home....
No comments:
Post a Comment