I'll Be Back Soon

It was always just the both of us. Just us. Now, it's him and me.

He came to me as a puppy. His picture when he was a puppy has always been the wallpaper on my laptop, so I still remember how he looked like 2 years ago.

I still remember the first day I met him. Rocky and he were running around the house. The moment the saw me at the gate, they ran to me. I carried both the adorable puppies, one in each hand. I was overwhelmed. I couldn't stop playing with them.

Rocky was sent back to the shelter after a few weeks because Rusky and he kept on fighting. That was an emotional separation for us, but we were there for each other. He lost his brother, I lost one of my dogs. It took a toll for a few days but we moved on from that sad incident.

Since then, we've been the greatest of buddies. We grew close to each other very fast. I took care of him so that he wouldn't feel the loss of Rocky. I didn't realize how close I grew to him until that night during chinese new year in 2013.

Rusky was terrified by the firecrackers. He was too scared that he ran out of the house through one of the holes on the compound wall, at 1 a.m. I watched from the window as he jumped out. Before I could open the door and call out to him, he was gone. I immediately ran out to look for him.

I called out to him every where but he was no where to be seen. I even took the car out to look for him but I just couldn't see him. The lack of illumination at night was a huge obstacle. I was already in tears. My aunt somehow convinced that he would return the next day.

I couldn't sleep. I woke up every hour on my own to see if he was sleeping outside my gate. Nothing. At 6, I went out to look for him again. I walked every where I could, calling out his name like a mad person. I even took the car to the highway to see if he had made it that far. All I could think of was that this was probably how my friend felt when he lost his dog. I still remember sitting on the bench in the field thinking about all the times I had spent with Rusky (that was only about 2 months). I just decided to go home and start to look for him an hour later.

I was having breakfast when my mum came back home from church. I could hear them shouting "Rusky" from outside. I just pushed my plate aside and ran out the door. And there was my little boy happily running towards me. The first thing he did was to lick the tears off my face. I can't explain how relieved I was. I made him a small hut with a cage and 3 blankets so that he could sleep without the loud sound, for the next few days.

That was way way back. The emotions that I had to go through that night was the best epitome of how much I've grown to love him as my buddy. After that day, whenever he runs out, I'll go chase him, play a little hide and seek and carry him back into the house. And that was about to end too.

A week before I left, I started to already feel sad about leaving him. I was frantically teaching the maid in my house about how to take care of him, from taking him for walks to bathing him, to giving him a belly rub.

Every passing day, I'll just look at him and think about how he is going to cope after I'm gone. I tried to play with him whenever I could, even if it meant just stroking his head, because that was the last few times I would be able to do that.

At times, I would stare at him and try to talk to him. He will look at me for a while and put his head down for me to stroke. I try so hard sometimes, even though I know it is useless. And every time I do that, I am reminded of the day that looms.

One day, I just wanted to let it all out. So, at night, I just took him out for a walk. I walked him to the field, and sat down on a bench to talk to him. I knew it was gonna be all teary but I did say some stuff to him.

"Hey Rusky. You know what, I'm leaving..." And that's all I could utter in all that sobbing.

The next day, I somehow felt better. I took him out for his walks, but took him for longer walks because after I was gone, I was sure no one would take the initiative to take him places. Even then I tried talking, constantly saying stuff like "Take care boy. Don't run away too much" but he just walked along.

A day later, again, I took him out at night. This time, I promised myself I would say something more. Again, we sat down on the same bench.

"Hey Rusky, I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to fly somewhere far, far away. I won't be here to take care of you anymore. I won't be here to take you for runs anymore. You'll have to make do without all the care that I have been giving you. Remember to be a good boy. I know you'll miss biting me and playing wrestling with me and playing ball  and asking for treats and jumping at the gate in the morning and, and......"

"Promise me you'll be a great doggy kay? I'm gonna miss you badly when I go to Boston. I'll be back Rusky" I wiped away my tears, smiled at him, and walked him back home.

I decided that Rusky had to have the best last walk before I left. So, first I took him as far as I could, letting him smell the new places. And then we ran and ran till he got tired and started jumping on me to stop. He was tired and probably thought we could run the next day. He didn't know there wasn't one.

As I walked out of the house after getting dressed, I saw my little doggy wagging his tail while looking at me. Everyone else was moving my luggage. All I could do was just sit there with him and cry. I asked everyone else to go out into the car while I spent my last few moments with him alone. I just patted him, stroked him on his head, gave him a belly rub, stroked him more and more till I knew I had to leave.

"Bye Rusky, I'll be back soon, doggie" He probably thought the "bye" was like how it has always been. He didn't know I wasn't coming back home that night, or the nights that followed.

I'm not shy to admit that I'm crying this instant while typing this blog post. This is what happens every time I think of him here.

I see him on skype once a week but he can't recognize my voice over Skype. He always responded to me when I called him at home. Sometimes, if he's sleeping, he'll wake up only if I call him, not anybody else. He knew my voice so well, but it's sad to see he can't now. I try effortlessly to call him over skype.

"Rusky, come here boy" "Hey Rusky" "Do you wanna go for walk?" "Rusky wants a treat?" "Hey Rusky" None of it works.

When I get lonely here at times, I think of him. I think of how he hears my footsteps when I wake up every morning. If I happen to sleep after 8.30, he barks out loud to wake me up. If the maid wants to take him out for walk, he looks at the staircase to see if I'm coming down. When he hears me coming down the staircase, he starts jumping in excitement.

"Good morning Rusky" He looks at me for a moment. "Let's go for walk" And he starts jumping like crazy. His excitement makes me smile every time. We have a series of steps to complete before we go for a walk. I asked my sister to record them one day so I could keep it. I watch it over and over again here, but it isn't the same.

When I see people walking their dogs here, I think of Rusky. Sometimes, I approach the dogs and play with them. I pat them, stroke their heads and massage their jaws, just like how I used to do to Rusky. After I walk off, I smell the dogs on my hands, and I start to miss Rusky.

I'll come back to my dorm and start thinking about him. Rusky loves belly rubs. Sometimes, he positions his body so that I can give him a belly rub. And he always doesn't want me to stop. That look on his face is still there on my mind.

Then, there are those moments I watch videos of dogs on facebook. I think of all the cute moments with Rusky. Sometimes, after he eats, he tries to remove the rice in his throat. He does it a very cute manner. I have a picture of him doing that. But that's it, just a picture. I'm not there to disturb him.

He acts crazy whenever I come home from anywhere. Every single time. I'll open the gate, lead him to the table, and massage him as he tries so hard to lick my face. He succeeds at times though. Then, I'll pat him and he will be fine.

I miss giving him treats and training him. All those tricks he knows, I thought him from scratch. Everything was between us. Just me and him. We spent a lot of time together. And now he has to spend it alone.

I dream of him sometimes when I'm here. Whenever I see him in my sleep, I tear up and wake up instantly. And after that, I take a while to sleep back. But I never wanna sleep back. I just wanna continue thinking about him.

When people ask me what do I miss most at home, there is only one answer . "My dog. I really really miss him." I miss everyone else at home too. I always wanna talk to them too. But, at least I can talk to them. I can't even do that with Rusky. I try to stay happy on skype but I usually hold back my tears when I try to call him on skype. That's just the sad reality.

Sometimes, I feel sad that he no more gets the attention that I use to give him. Nobody else at home does that. When I ask them if they gave Rusky a belly rub, my mum just blames my brother for not playing with him.They like him, but they've never seen him the way I do. To them, he's just a dog. To me, he's my buddy. All the little things that I used to do...it's ok, I don't wanna delve on that. The only thing that gives me some peace of mind is that there is someone to do the basic stuff that he needs.

Sometimes, I think of the times I'll lie down beside him and and pat him. If he's sleepy, he'll snuggle his nose in between my arm and body. If he's excited, he'll jump on me and bite me. And, we end up playing wrestling and I end up having scars on my hands, and all that saliva I need to wash off. I miss him biting me too.

Sometimes, I wonder why I miss him so much. I think it's probably like how a mother would miss her child. I've brought him up since young, gave him all the attention he needs, taught him discipline, spoiled him from time to time, made sure he had his needs take care off. But now, I have to leave him in the hands of people who don't see him the way I do. That's the most disappointing part.

My friends can try to console me but there's nothing much they can do. The truth is, I'm away from my dog and I can't do anything. It's a heavy sacrifice that I have to make in order to pursue my dream. Even with all these thoughts, I'm just helpless. I'll just continue to think about him till that day comes.

The day when I return home, and Rusky sees me, runs up to me, and then I'll massage him, he'll start licking and biting me and then we'll play catch till we're tired and he'll settle down. The day I return home to see my little boy....

  "Bye Rusky. I'll be back soon, doggie"